Copyright: Sergey Novikov/123RF Stock Photo

​Summer is here and if you’re like many parents, you have booked summer camps for your kids to attend, so they don’t drive you insane *COUGH*, I mean, so they have a well-balanced summer. Camp can be summed up as new kids + new adults = new social dynamic, so now’s the time to brush up on convos about bodies and boundaries.

I want to start out by saying that the majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knows well (1), so stranger danger doesn’t quite live up to its reputation. But next up in perpetrator probability are people who your kid knows well but you do not (2). Hence, summer camps! Now, mind you, I’m writing this post as a mom and sex educator, not necessarily as the prevention scientist and professor that I also am because (to my knowledge) there hasn’t been a ton of research on summer camps.
​
But really, summer camp is so fun! I went to them as a kid and send my own kid to them, so I don’t think they are dangerous spaces. But they are spaces for kids to apply their social knowledge and practice their social skills in a new environment. Consider addressing the following:

When Bruce Jenner’s transition became a focus of public attention, it got me thinking about what the attention means for transgender folks, and particularly transgender youth. Having only known a few transgender people myself, but having colleagues who are either trans or dedicated to research that supports the understanding of transgender lives, I decided to get someone to write a guest post on what we should all be doing to support transgender people and particularly transgender youth. Meet Chris Dungee. He is a counselor who speaks at colleges and universities about LGBT issues for faculty and staff development. He also transitioned himself from female to male, so I knew he would be the perfect resource with both professional and personal experience with transgender issues. Here is what he wants us to know:

I can remember when the first stories about Bruce Jenner’s possible transition began to circulate in 2014. I would come across scandalous headlines such as, “Bruce Jenner has surgery to decrease Adam’s apple.” And, “Jenner reveals suspiciously smooth legs!” These articles featured images of Bruce being accompanied out of the backdoor of a hospital by several nurses; whisked away into a black vehicle with heavily tinted windows. The students in the community college I serve as a counselor at were all aflutter over it. America’s Olympic hero was turning into a lady and it was indeed salacious.

Fast forward to April 24th of this year and Diane Sawyer lands the explosive first interview with Caitlyn Jenner as she opens up about her lifelong struggle of being a transgender woman. To be fair, transgender issues had been talked about in the media already due to the visibility of people such as actress Laverne Cox and journalist/activist Janet Mock. “Transparent”, an original program from Amazon allowed viewers to experience the day-to-day life of someone in transition. But the Caitlyn Jenner story reached stratospheric heights. It appeared to be the number one story in the world.

Any news is good news?
Two months later it is difficult to gauge what all of this hoopla means for trans folks and our cause. Yes, everyone is talking about it and so many people seem to be understanding and supportive but let’s break down what is going on:

The Good

Visibility – I have done several speaking engagements where people tell me they never knew exactly what it means to be transgender. For many, hearing the pain that Caitlyn Jenner goes through instantly humanized trans individuals for them. This is key. We know that Americans are more likely to empathize and support lesbians, gays and bisexuals if they know someone who identifies as such. Whether you are nostalgic for her days as an Olympian or tune in to see her on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” every week she became that person you know. So, perhaps her visibility, and the reaction to her visible transition, means we are finally on the path to acceptance.

Trans Rights – There are a litany of political and social issues affecting the trans community. Caitlyn touched on many of them in her interview. Access to trans-inclusive health care, ease of attaining and changing documentation, finding employment/housing, and enacting anti-discrimination laws are a few. I have found that for the most part, the average caring person is appalled to find out that only 16 states have laws that prohibit discrimination based on gender identity. Also, reports of violence against transgender women of color are at an all-time high. The Human Rights Campaign has gone as far as to call this a “crisis.” Caitlyn mentioned this specifically which left me pleasantly surprised. Lastly, trans Americans are faced with spending tens of thousands of dollars to attain the surgical procedures they need to align their bodies with their souls. Only a handful of health insurance companies view trans specific health issues as non-elective. These issues are finally being talked about on a wide scale.

Acceptance by the LGB community – The acronym LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender, but historically the LGB has not always been welcoming to the T. The winds have shifted within the community as a whole and I am sensing less fear. There has always been this idea that those weird trans freaks will make it that much harder for the world to accept gay rights. Pride festivals all over the country are seeing more trans representation. People are actually proud to say they are transgender.

The Bad

We are not all Caitlyn Jenner – Being trans is not a cookie cutter mold that can be applied equally to everyone. Though she is a minority, her experience is coming from that of relative privilege. The rest of us do not have millions of dollars to spend on our medical bills or our wardrobes. The vast majority of trans Americans are struggling. As mentioned above there is very little support or help out there. The resources that do exist are limited. I worry that the public will view our issues with rose colored glasses after seeing Caitlyn’s experience. Something else I see come up a lot is skepticism in terms of how long it took Caitlyn to “come out.” In fact, during the Diane Sawyer interview she still had not revealed her female name nor had she changed the use of pronouns to refer to herself. Coming to terms with being transgender is different for every one of us. Some people know it from an early age. Some do not. There is great diversity among the trans population and that needs to be respected.

Exploitation? – The argument can be made that this is all quite exploitative. I have heard from trans folks that the Caitlyn Jenner interview put her on display as if she is abnormal and requires some sort of explanation. I admit I refused to watch the interview when it came first came on. It all seemed too tabloid like to me. Although I now disagree with that sentiment, I completely understand how some may still feel this way.

So what does it mean to transition anyway?

Someone is transgender when their assigned physical sex at birth (male or female) differs from what gender they identify as (man or woman). Throughout a trans person’s life, they may elect to go through steps to alter their body to match their gender. These steps may include undergoing surgical procedures. A transgender woman can have breast implants or receive facial feminization surgery and vaginoplasty to have a vagina. A transgender man can have chest masculinization surgery or receive phalloplasty or metoidioplasty to have a penis. Almost all trans people choose to go through hormone replacement therapy (HRT). This process is life-long and involves taking either estrogen or testosterone which allows the body to adopt feminine or masculine physical characteristics over a period of time.

The mental and emotional impact of transitioning is profound. Many people report a newfound feeling of being whole for the first time in their lives. There is a sense of equilibrium, that your physical self finally matches your inner self. A person who is transitioning may experience an increase in self-esteem and a burst of confidence. However, you also have to confront a sometimes hostile world that does not understand you. Making and keeping friends and loved ones can be a challenge. Dating can be absolutely terrifying. Being faced with the prospect of being romantically rejected because of who you are is daunting.

Unfortunately, there are numerous instances of trans people being fired from their jobs or finding it unbelievably difficult to find employment. Or perhaps you were lucky enough to be able to stay at your job while transitioning but your colleagues are not supportive so you must endure a hostile work environment on a daily basis. If you are trans and entering college or already in college the potential rejection of your peers is a possibility. In fact, your institution may either not know how to support you or simply refuse to do so. This is an issue that directly relates to me as I transitioned on the job and I work at a college. The challenges are numerous.

Providing support

I am going to take a moment and focus on my area of expertise: college students. Most of what I discuss when I give presentations at conferences and seminars is helping colleges/universities become sensitive and attentive to the needs of their LGBT students. I have identified six factors to emphasize:

1. Records keeping: Inevitably, a trans student will need to change their name and gender marker attached to their student record. Many young people do not have the money or wherewithal to navigate this process legally. It is vital that a school have a system in place that can accommodate these students. A great way to do this is to add an additional field in the database entitled, “preferred name” or “recognized name.” This does not replace the student’s legal name in the system. It eliminates uncomfortable and downright embarrassing scenarios where someone can be misnamed. This additional field would show in all departments, even class rosters. It would be optional for a student to elect to add a preferred name to their record. If the gender binary (male or female) must be kept in compliance for laws and regulations, multiple pronoun options should be added to cover a wider range of identities. This makes it easier to ensure that the proper pronoun is used to address the student.
   
   
2. Bathrooms: Ahh, the bathroom problem. This is a hot-button topic on many a college campus at the moment. The fact remains that the vast majority of people neatly fit into the gender binary. No one is suggesting removal of traditional male/female designated bathrooms. The simple solution to this quandary is adding gender neutral bathrooms to college campuses. Make them easily accessible and easy to locate. However, this does not eliminate the need to allow transgender students to use the gendered bathroom they choose.
   
   
3. Safety/security: Unfortunately, when a student is harassed or assaulted on a college campus they may be victimized again when seeking the help of campus security. Too many student experiences are dismissed or questioned. It is imperative to train personnel to be aware of and sensitive to these particular situations. This is especially key for schools that are located in towns that are not LGBT friendly. Going to the local police may be even worse for the student.
   
   
4. Housing: In the same vein as bathrooms, residence halls need a dramatic refocusing. Allow trans students to choose single occupancy rooms if they wish. It can be helpful to enact a buddy system to help a trans student find a supportive roommate. The most progressive colleges already have LGBT friendly floors in their existing dormitories!
   
   
5. Health and Well-being: If a trans student needs to visit the campus health center they should be treated with respect and understanding. LGBT issues as a whole need to be taken into consideration. A list of community resources for trans students is always helpful too. Perhaps a student is having a difficult time procuring hormones. Add HRT to the existing list of medications that are provided to students. As a counselor I am adamant about the need to create allies in mental health centers on college campuses. If a student needs to come out or is having a hard time adjusting to their new life they should have a safe space at school to do so.
   
   
6. LGBT student groups: These exist in our high schools and colleges at great numbers. They even have them in progressive middle schools. Too many LGBT student groups become stale and inactive over time. Make sure your group stays vibrant and active. If one does not exist, create it!
   
   

It is an exciting time to be transgender. Every day it seems I come across advances to the cause. The more attention that is placed on our community, the better. On the heels of the historic passing of gay marriage, the level of acceptance and tolerance in this country is unprecedented. I hope that all of us in the transgender community can ride the wave of Caitlyn Jenner’s success story and benefit in some way. And hopefully one day no one will have to sneak out of the backdoor of a hospital.


RESOURCES

• Human Rights Campaign - the largest LGBT civil rights advocacy group and political lobbying organization in the United States
  
  
• GLAAD - the nation's lesbian gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) media advocacy organization
  
  
• PFLAG - the United States' largest organization for parents, families, friends, and allies
  
  
• Campus Pride - working to create a safer college environment for LGBTQ students
  
  

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

ABOUT CHRIS: Chris Dungee is a counselor/adviser at Delaware County Community College in Pennsylvania. He also serves as the faculty adviser for the college’s gay/straight alliance. He speaks at colleges/universities to educate faculty and staff on LGBT issues. Chris dedicates his time to helping schools and workplaces become trans friendly for students and employees. In April of 2014 he transitioned from female to male and as a result has become an invaluable resource to students who wish to do the same on his campus. He resides in Delaware County, PA where he hones his drawing skills, builds model cars and finds time to remain an avid video gamer. If you are interested in having Chris come speak at your school or organization, please contact him at CDUNGEE@dccc.edu.

There is something eerily disturbing about committing crimes, photographing them, and then sharing those photos on a social media site. An investigation into a Penn State fraternity, Kappa Delta Rho, is underway as police allegedly uncovered images of drug deals and nude (some unconscious) women that were posted on the fraternity’s Facebook group page. The entitlement and lack of empathy from these actions should make us all cringe.

It seems clear that the Greek system is a breeding ground for questionable behavior and needs to be reformed. Don’t get me wrong, there are many positive contributions from fraternities that benefit the universities and outlying communities that support them. However, that doesn’t negate the criminal behavior that also occurs more frequently among fraternities: underage drinking, drug use, vandalism, harassment, sexual assault, and now, revenge porn. We know that at least 1 in 5 women have experienced rape by the age of 25 (1), which is a daunting to say the least. So why have we turned and looked the other way after studies reveal that sexual assault is a common occurrence among many fraternities (2, 3, 4)? Are we really just fine with chalking it all up to “boys will be boys”?

What is posting nude images of women without their consent about?

Although members of KDR claim their behavior is just a joke, posting nude photos of women who are unconscious is cruel, to say the least. Posting images or videos of nudity and/or sex that were consensually taken but not consensually distributed is typically referred to as revenge porn (5), which is illegal in many states. What is even more disturbing, is that the alleged photos on the KDR page were not consensually taken or consensually distributed. In defense of Kappa Delta Rho, one member anonymously gives his take on the issue. “It was an entirely satirical group and it was funny to some extent. Some of the stuff, yeah, it’s raunchy stuff, as you would expect from a bunch of college-aged guys,” he said. “But, I mean, you could go on any one of hundreds and thousands of different sites to access the same kind of stuff and obviously a lot worse and a lot more explicit.”

Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell the difference between revenge porn and amateur porn. Most porn users think they are just going to amateur sites which is morally better than supporting the porn industry. However, it is hard to classify that type of porn use as righteous with video and image captions like, “Watch me *#%K my ex!” or “Check out this chick getting *#%ked. I don’t even know her name!” Until recently, no one knew what to call this type of porn and thus it defaulted to ‘amateur porn’. However, the term ‘revenge porn’ is more appropriate for much of the material because the women in these videos did not consent to distribution.

What individuals don’t often realize is that guys aren’t just posting and viewing this material passively. Many are using this material to give them an orgasm. Let that sink in for a minute. These sites are created as porn, to masturbate with. If you are using something to give you physiological pleasure (i.e. dopamine) it becomes a behavioral reinforcer. We see this with almost any animal in almost any context. So, why is the context of humans and internet porn any different? Is this the one arena where all that we know about the psychology and physiology of learning becomes obsolete? Unlikely. Imagine a room full of guys that masturbate several times a week to revenge porn getting physiologically reinforced for that behavior. Then, those same guys sit through a 2-hour sexual assault prevention program. How can the prevention program possibly compete?

Why would a group of guys post images of criminal behavior on social media?

Members of the community are ‘shocked’. These guys participate in THON! So, sexually assaulting and harassing is fine as long as you also raise money for charity? Please. Let’s look at the white, heterosexual, male privilege here (6). You commit a crime, get a good lawyer, you’ll likely be fine. It’s difficult to imagine that a black fraternity would get away with posting photos of drug deals. Another recent example of the privilege of white fraternities was the Oklahoma incident where racism reared its ugly head. I’m not saying all fraternities are sexist or racist, but the very structure of them creates the environment for sexist and racist ideology to breed, but more importantly, to go unchecked.

Even though revenge porn website enthusiasts swear their motivation is nothing but an opportunity 'to look at real naked women’, in reality, the act of uploading a nude picture to punish a woman for leaving you or to boast about you %#$*ing her, is less of an act of sexual expression and more similar to the criminal behavior of stalking and harassment (7). It is clear that non-consensual distribution of sexual imagery and videos is intended to humiliate the victim. With that in mind, we should amend stalking and harassment legislation to reflect our new cyber-reality. Just because the abusive acts are happening in cyberspace doesn't mean the experience of being humiliated and harassed by an ex is any less terrifying.

Why do we do nothing when we hear of college campus sexual assault and revenge porn crimes?

We do nothing when we hear of these “shenanigans” because if we actually acknowledged that violence against women is very real and we can all do something to stop it, we would have to change our behaviors. Instead, we change our opinions. This is a little thing called cognitive dissonance. If the behaviors of the frat boys or football players isn’t that big a deal because ‘boys will be boys’, we can go on as usual. If their behavior is no longer acceptable in our eyes, we need to change our behavior in some annoying way (e.g. stop associating with a fraternity, stop attending football games, sign a petition, write a letter to an administrator, stop laughing when someone makes a joke about frat boys and rape).

Our cognitive dissonance makes it safe to perpetrate sexual assault because privileged perpetrators know that it is nearly impossible to charge and convict someone of sexual assault. Even if they are convicted, the public will ultimately feel bad for the perpetrator and his “future being ruined”, rather than feel bad for the victim who “should’ve avoided these parties in the first place”.

What can universities do to prevent college campus sexual assault and sexual harassment?

1. Bystander Intervention Programs: Sexual assault, binge drinking, harassment, etc. occurs because people surrounding the acts stay silent and accept the behavior, known as the bystander effect. Programs that teach individuals to stand up and say something when they know something is wrong, show reductions in sexual assault, alcohol poisoning, etc.
   
   
2. Sororities should have their own houses: Currently, Penn State sororities do not have their own houses. Therefore, the fraternities control the parties, giving them more leverage to pressure individuals and whole sororities. If sororities can throw their own parties, that transforms the power dynamic dramatically.
   
   
3. Enforce Title IX and student conduct policies: Fraternities are rallying in Washington for schools to stop the enforcement of Title IX when it comes to sexual assault. Sexual assault is extremely hard to prosecute in the legal system. When schools can act within their own student conduct policies it makes for a safer educational environment for all.
   
   
4. Hire Victim Advocates: It is beyond difficult to stand up to your own group of friends and say you were assaulted. Victim advocates act as a support system for the victim to navigate the healthcare system, legal system and social systems. They help victims achieve justice.
    
   
   

Please keep in mind that the problem of college campus sexual assault and revenge porn is not solely a fraternity problem. A large part of the problem is our own cognitive dissonance and the bystander effect that keep us from acting. The next step in ending violence toward women is to recognize that men must lead the way. Men need to step up to the plate when their friends are out of line. And when we hear of questionable behavior, we have to stop telling ourselves “boys will be boys”.



References

(1) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012. 

(2) Frintner, M. P., & Rubinson, L. (1993). Acquaintance rape: The influence of alcohol, fraternity membership, and sports team membership. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 19(4), 272-284.

(3) Humphrey, S. E., & Kahn, A. S. (2000). Fraternities, athletic teams, and rape. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15, 1313-1320.

(4) Krebs, C. P., Lindquist, C. H., Warner, T. D., Fisher, B. S., & Martin, S. L. (2007). The campus sexual assault (CSA) study. Washington, DC: National Institute of Justice, US Department of Justice.

(5) Citron, D. K., & Franks, M. A. (2014). Criminalizing revenge porn. Wake Forest Law Review, 49, 345.

(6) Rothenberg, P. S. (Ed.). (2004). White privilege: Essential readings on the other side of racism. Macmillan.

(7) Davis, K. E., Ace, A., & Andra, M. (2000). Stalking perpetrators and psychological maltreatment of partners: Anger-jealousy, attachment insecurity, need for control, and break-up context. Violence and Victims, 15, 407-425.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

This article is featured on The Huffington Post.

There is nothing new, unique, or even creative about Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s just the latest installment of pop culture messages that teach girls and young women that truly hot and irresistible love includes some element of violence and danger.

These messages start when you’re little with Beauty and the Beast. As a girl, you learn to be nice and patient with an abusive partner, and as long as you remain so, he will change his behavior and transform into a Prince. It doesn’t matter that he’s throwing things at you, locking you up in a room, not letting you eat without him, not letting you get to your father…he will change…you just need to tame him. But Beauty and the Beast isn’t real….

When you get a little older, these messages continue with the Twilight series. You see Bella fall for a vampire with a basic instinct to kill her. You learn to put up with stalking and harassing as you try to prevent him from killing you. To do so, just leave your friends, family, and identity behind to become just like him (a vampire). Bella and Edward teach you not to get too close, because that would end in death. In fact, when they eventually do have sex, he almost does kill her! Let’s get real. Bella displays 3 classic traits of a victim in an abusive relationship: She has intense low self-esteem; She loves the bad-boy (she only starts to have feelings for nice-guy Jacob when he turns into a werewolf); and she’s thrilled by the violent and dangerous acts of Edward (they aren’t red flags to her at all). Edward displays 4 hallmark traits of an abuser: He warns her away from him, only to increase her desire; He is possessive and tries to isolate her from her family and friends, he even incapacitates her car so she can’t get away; He stalks her constantly and when he can’t, he uses his vampire superpower to stalk her through others’ thoughts; and he has an intense temper but it’s not his fault because he’s a vampire. But Twilight isn’t real….

Now that you’re an adult, the messages are solidified with Fifty Shades of Grey. Emotionally intimate and tantric sex? Nah…who wants that? Let’s just keep getting abused. Some more stalking, some threats, get tied up for a day (literally)…You’re now a sex slave who hasn’t consented to it, but you love it, right? Christian Grey also happens to show classic abuser signs: he warns Anastasia away by telling her he’s not good for her, he stalks her by deliberately tracing her mobile phone to find out where she is, and he attempts to control and isolate her by having her sign a non-disclosure agreement (so that she can’t discuss what goes on in their sexual relationship). Super healthy! Then to top it all off, he actually rapes her: “‘No,’ I protest, kicking him off.” Christian replies, “If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet, too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening, right now.” You learn that it is not really rape if you like it and as E.L. James writes, Anastasia does feel pleasure while she’s being raped. That message isn’t confusing at all when we are trying to combat college campus sexual assault on a national level. But Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t real….

So what? If these stories aren’t real and have no influence on our cultural representation of romance, why are they the same story? Cultivation Theory tells us we construct our ideas of reality through the images and messages around us, whether we are conscious of it or not (1). The popularity of these stories alone displays how much validity girls have given to these characters as representations of true love and it really makes it clear how the problems with sexual and romantic violence in our culture get covered up in ways that we don’t even notice.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a hot, intense, romantic love story as much as anyone….but Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. There are many movies that are truly hotter. More importantly, we rarely get the message that you can have hot and satisfying sex without experiencing pain or humiliation. In fact, both men and women report being more sexually satisfied during sex with someone they love and trust (2).

It is important to note that a common fantasy women report is wanting to be dominated sexually (3). HOWEVER, domination is wanted when it is consensually agreed upon and does not occur outside of the bedroom. This type of domination is sometimes referred to as ‘light bondage’. For example, wanting your partner to tell you what sexual acts to do, wanting a blindfold, or wanting your hands tied. This type of domination fantasy doesn’t come from a desire to be hurt or humiliated, but stems from a desire to let go. If someone you trust is in control, you get to experience sexual pleasure without the pressure of having to ask for what you want. It is rarer that the domination fantasy extends to physical pain or emotional insults, or acts that can be considered BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism). Even so, true practitioners of consensual BDSM do something called preparing and repairing. Meaning, they lovingly spend time together before the sex act, usually connecting emotionally on some level and will discuss the types of play they want to do. After the sex act, they cuddle and connect while talking about what worked and didn’t work. Fifty Shades is not a depiction of consensual domination fantasy or consensual BDSM.

Fifty Shades is less of an erotic love story and more of a stalker’s handbook. Please take some time to think about the girls and women who endure these types of relationships. One in 3 women have experienced relationship violence in America, a rate which has reached epidemic proportions (4). There is no happily ever after for women in these relationships. I would encourage you to get to get involved with V-Day, check out Love Is Respect, and celebrate Teen Dating Violence awareness month to help eradicate violence toward women instead of romanticizing violence toward women.



(1) Potter, W. J. (1993). Cultivation theory and research. Human Communication Research, 19(4), 564-601.

(2) Herbenick, D. (2014). Sex, love, intimacy, and orgasm: Integrating sex ed and new findings from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Oral presentation at the National Sex Ed Conference. East Rutherford, NJ.

(3) Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2014). What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy?. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Advanced online publication.

(4) Alhabib, S., Nur, U., & Jones, R. (2010). Domestic violence against women: Systematic review of prevalence studies. Journal of Family Violence, 25(4), 369-382.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

Currently, the world is a buzz again over accusations from multiple women who were allegedly sexually assaulted by Bill Cosby. I am not going to go into whether or not you should or shouldn't believe that Bill Cosby is guilty of these crimes. That is not my job. However, part of my job is to educate people on the psychology of experiencing abuse or assault, perpetrating abuse or assault, and the culture in which sustains the cycle of abuse and assault. As a culture, we do not want to go there. But I’m going to (sort of) go there now.

Every time there is a big media story about sexual abuse or assault everyone gets wound up. However, these are not isolated events of violence. These are publicized events of violence. These atrocious acts occur every day to people we probably know. What’s worse, because we are used to huge media outbreaks of sex scandals, we're only aware of events that are publicized. This leads us to perceive this problem as being much smaller than it actually is. 

In fact, the problem is huge. In the United States, approximately 125,000 of those children have been sexually abused (1). The bad news is, these statistics don’t even include people who have been sexually abused by a non-parent, or individuals who have never told anyone about their abuse. So these stats are conservative. We also know that at least 1 in 5 women have experienced rape (2), which is a daunting to say the least. The good news is, research shows prevention and treatment of sexual violence and the PTSD that follows, helps a whole lot (3, 4). We also know that women who have experienced sexual abuse or assault experience physical and mental health issues later in life and individuals who experience trauma also have adverse cognitive outcomes and even premature aging. You can learn all about these outcomes of trauma here. So, why are we not fighting as a society to put an end to these atrocities? Because we would then have to recognize that violence against women and children is very real and we can all do something to stop it, but we have unconsciously decided not to. 

Instead, we want to believe the victim is making it up. It is extremely rare that a person will falsely accuse someone of a crime. However, those cases are more salient because they affirm our belief that these behaviors don’t really occur. If we do believe that some version of the 'incident' did happen, we blame the victim for the 'incident' occurring. “She was wearing a short skirt.” “She was almost an adult.” “He wanted it”. This is called victim blaming, where we question the alleged victim but not the alleged perpetrator. We blame victims, not because we’re a**holes, but because we don’t want the violence to be true. We blame victims because it is easier to change our opinion than it is to change our behavior. This is a little thing called cognitive dissonance. If the ‘incident’ didn’t really happen, we can go on as usual. If the ‘incident’ did happen, we need to change our behavior in some annoying way.

For instance, perhaps we need to stop supporting a corporation, vote to have someone removed from their position, fight to change a policy, call Childlline at 1-800-932-0313 if you’re in PA, file a report with human resources, etc. So instead, we ask questions that allow us to change our attitude, such as, “Why would he be telling this story now?” “Was she drinking?” “Doesn’t he get into trouble at school?” “She was 17 though, right? Almost 18?” instead of “Why did he anally penetrate a young boy?” or “Why did he rape her when she was passed out?” Quite frankly, we don’t want to know the answers to the latter questions. Thus, our victim blaming culture makes it safe to perpetrate sexual abuse and assault because perpetrators know that the victim is rarely believed.

Any time there is a powerful individual who is accused of sexual abuse or assault and that person is a central part of an institution, there are going to be some sacrifices to take him down. If we decide to believe he is a perpetrator, we have to be prepared for our friends within the institution to ostracize us. Making it highly likely that we would have to stop going to our church who the perpetrator ministers for, supporting the team the perpetrator coaches for, going to the concert the perpetrator is performing at, etc. We don’t want to believe our leaders are capable of such heinous crimes because we trust and admire our creative, political, financial, spiritual, athletic, and familial leaders. These types of leaders are supposed to make us feel safe and confident in the world.
 
This is why hierarchical institutions are breeding grounds for sexual abuse and sexual assault, because we don’t want to believe-the senator, the coach, the minister, the principal, the boss, or the professor-abused, assaulted, or raped someone. Not because we don’t want to believe the victim, but because we want to believe the person we have been admiring and altering our behavior for, organizing our faith around, or going to work for each day is capable of the worst acts imaginable. If the alleged victim is making it up, we can go on as usual. Even once someone has become aware of a crime, and believes that it happened, telling someone or reporting it is yet another barrier that is even more difficult within an institution, mostly because of the bystander effect, when an individual doesn’t act in an emergency situation because the individual assumes someone else will. The larger the institution/group/crowd, the more likely this is to occur. 

Please keep in mind that the problem is not Football, Hollywood, Church, or other hierarchical institutions. The problem is cognitive dissonance and the bystander effect keep us from acting in the best interest of the less powerful and keeps us acting in the interest of the institution as a whole and in turn, the institution’s central players. 
 
Sexual abuse and assault occurs every day in this country and around the world. We need to focus on preventing the cycle and process of sexual abuse and assault that occurs in hundreds of institutions. We need to empower those who are brave enough to come forward and call out their abuser. We need to eliminate the fear that is experienced when someone is faced with a decision to protect the reputation of someone they know or to seek justice for a crime.

Please, do not get caught up in the media and the hype. The majority of sexual abuse and sexual assault is perpetrated by those closest to the victim. The majority of perpetrators hold a powerful position within their community. It is not the town weirdo or stranger lurking in dark alleys that perpetrates sexual violence. The majority of victims take years before they are confident to share their abuse with someone they trust. 

A culture that supports the accused instead of the abused, perpetuates the cycle of violence. 
 
The purpose of this post is to let you know why we all victim blame. Even after years of education and training in this area, I still do it all the time, and have to consistently be aware of my thoughts when I hear of a sex crime. As social, hierarchically-oriented people, our brains go there first, naturally. Which is exactly why we need to be aware of this and try to recognize when we go there and choose to think differently. We have to have a culture that supports the abused and not the accused. 

If you yourself have been a victim of abuse or assault, or have known someone who has been a victim of abuse or assault, or have witnessed abuse or assault: Please seek help, you can find resources here. Relieve yourself of secrets and shame, and accept support and love from those around you.  It was NOT your fault.

(1) The National Incidence Study of Child Abuse & Neglect, 2010. 

(2) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012. 
 
(3) MacLeod, J., & Nelson, G. (2000). Programs for the promotion of family wellness and the prevention of child maltreatment: A meta-analytic review. Child abuse & neglect, 24, 1127-1149.

(4) Prinz, R. J., Sanders, M. R., Shapiro, C. J., Whitaker, D. J., & Lutzker, J. R. (2009). Population-based prevention of child maltreatment: The US Triple P system population trial. Prevention Science, 10, 1-12.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club