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​Summer is here and if you’re like many parents, you have booked summer camps for your kids to attend, so they don’t drive you insane *COUGH*, I mean, so they have a well-balanced summer. Camp can be summed up as new kids + new adults = new social dynamic, so now’s the time to brush up on convos about bodies and boundaries.

I want to start out by saying that the majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knows well (1), so stranger danger doesn’t quite live up to its reputation. But next up in perpetrator probability are people who your kid knows well but you do not (2). Hence, summer camps! Now, mind you, I’m writing this post as a mom and sex educator, not necessarily as the prevention scientist and professor that I also am because (to my knowledge) there hasn’t been a ton of research on summer camps.
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But really, summer camp is so fun! I went to them as a kid and send my own kid to them, so I don’t think they are dangerous spaces. But they are spaces for kids to apply their social knowledge and practice their social skills in a new environment. Consider addressing the following:

Currently, the world is a buzz again over accusations from multiple women who were allegedly sexually assaulted by Bill Cosby. I am not going to go into whether or not you should or shouldn't believe that Bill Cosby is guilty of these crimes. That is not my job. However, part of my job is to educate people on the psychology of experiencing abuse or assault, perpetrating abuse or assault, and the culture in which sustains the cycle of abuse and assault. As a culture, we do not want to go there. But I’m going to (sort of) go there now.

Every time there is a big media story about sexual abuse or assault everyone gets wound up. However, these are not isolated events of violence. These are publicized events of violence. These atrocious acts occur every day to people we probably know. What’s worse, because we are used to huge media outbreaks of sex scandals, we're only aware of events that are publicized. This leads us to perceive this problem as being much smaller than it actually is. 

In fact, the problem is huge. In the United States, approximately 125,000 of those children have been sexually abused (1). The bad news is, these statistics don’t even include people who have been sexually abused by a non-parent, or individuals who have never told anyone about their abuse. So these stats are conservative. We also know that at least 1 in 5 women have experienced rape (2), which is a daunting to say the least. The good news is, research shows prevention and treatment of sexual violence and the PTSD that follows, helps a whole lot (3, 4). We also know that women who have experienced sexual abuse or assault experience physical and mental health issues later in life and individuals who experience trauma also have adverse cognitive outcomes and even premature aging. You can learn all about these outcomes of trauma here. So, why are we not fighting as a society to put an end to these atrocities? Because we would then have to recognize that violence against women and children is very real and we can all do something to stop it, but we have unconsciously decided not to. 

Instead, we want to believe the victim is making it up. It is extremely rare that a person will falsely accuse someone of a crime. However, those cases are more salient because they affirm our belief that these behaviors don’t really occur. If we do believe that some version of the 'incident' did happen, we blame the victim for the 'incident' occurring. “She was wearing a short skirt.” “She was almost an adult.” “He wanted it”. This is called victim blaming, where we question the alleged victim but not the alleged perpetrator. We blame victims, not because we’re a**holes, but because we don’t want the violence to be true. We blame victims because it is easier to change our opinion than it is to change our behavior. This is a little thing called cognitive dissonance. If the ‘incident’ didn’t really happen, we can go on as usual. If the ‘incident’ did happen, we need to change our behavior in some annoying way.

For instance, perhaps we need to stop supporting a corporation, vote to have someone removed from their position, fight to change a policy, call Childlline at 1-800-932-0313 if you’re in PA, file a report with human resources, etc. So instead, we ask questions that allow us to change our attitude, such as, “Why would he be telling this story now?” “Was she drinking?” “Doesn’t he get into trouble at school?” “She was 17 though, right? Almost 18?” instead of “Why did he anally penetrate a young boy?” or “Why did he rape her when she was passed out?” Quite frankly, we don’t want to know the answers to the latter questions. Thus, our victim blaming culture makes it safe to perpetrate sexual abuse and assault because perpetrators know that the victim is rarely believed.

Any time there is a powerful individual who is accused of sexual abuse or assault and that person is a central part of an institution, there are going to be some sacrifices to take him down. If we decide to believe he is a perpetrator, we have to be prepared for our friends within the institution to ostracize us. Making it highly likely that we would have to stop going to our church who the perpetrator ministers for, supporting the team the perpetrator coaches for, going to the concert the perpetrator is performing at, etc. We don’t want to believe our leaders are capable of such heinous crimes because we trust and admire our creative, political, financial, spiritual, athletic, and familial leaders. These types of leaders are supposed to make us feel safe and confident in the world.
 
This is why hierarchical institutions are breeding grounds for sexual abuse and sexual assault, because we don’t want to believe-the senator, the coach, the minister, the principal, the boss, or the professor-abused, assaulted, or raped someone. Not because we don’t want to believe the victim, but because we want to believe the person we have been admiring and altering our behavior for, organizing our faith around, or going to work for each day is capable of the worst acts imaginable. If the alleged victim is making it up, we can go on as usual. Even once someone has become aware of a crime, and believes that it happened, telling someone or reporting it is yet another barrier that is even more difficult within an institution, mostly because of the bystander effect, when an individual doesn’t act in an emergency situation because the individual assumes someone else will. The larger the institution/group/crowd, the more likely this is to occur. 

Please keep in mind that the problem is not Football, Hollywood, Church, or other hierarchical institutions. The problem is cognitive dissonance and the bystander effect keep us from acting in the best interest of the less powerful and keeps us acting in the interest of the institution as a whole and in turn, the institution’s central players. 
 
Sexual abuse and assault occurs every day in this country and around the world. We need to focus on preventing the cycle and process of sexual abuse and assault that occurs in hundreds of institutions. We need to empower those who are brave enough to come forward and call out their abuser. We need to eliminate the fear that is experienced when someone is faced with a decision to protect the reputation of someone they know or to seek justice for a crime.

Please, do not get caught up in the media and the hype. The majority of sexual abuse and sexual assault is perpetrated by those closest to the victim. The majority of perpetrators hold a powerful position within their community. It is not the town weirdo or stranger lurking in dark alleys that perpetrates sexual violence. The majority of victims take years before they are confident to share their abuse with someone they trust. 

A culture that supports the accused instead of the abused, perpetuates the cycle of violence. 
 
The purpose of this post is to let you know why we all victim blame. Even after years of education and training in this area, I still do it all the time, and have to consistently be aware of my thoughts when I hear of a sex crime. As social, hierarchically-oriented people, our brains go there first, naturally. Which is exactly why we need to be aware of this and try to recognize when we go there and choose to think differently. We have to have a culture that supports the abused and not the accused. 

If you yourself have been a victim of abuse or assault, or have known someone who has been a victim of abuse or assault, or have witnessed abuse or assault: Please seek help, you can find resources here. Relieve yourself of secrets and shame, and accept support and love from those around you.  It was NOT your fault.

(1) The National Incidence Study of Child Abuse & Neglect, 2010. 

(2) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012. 
 
(3) MacLeod, J., & Nelson, G. (2000). Programs for the promotion of family wellness and the prevention of child maltreatment: A meta-analytic review. Child abuse & neglect, 24, 1127-1149.

(4) Prinz, R. J., Sanders, M. R., Shapiro, C. J., Whitaker, D. J., & Lutzker, J. R. (2009). Population-based prevention of child maltreatment: The US Triple P system population trial. Prevention Science, 10, 1-12.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club 

I’ve been getting requests from parents over the past year, to write a post about talking to kids about sexuality. It really is impossible to boil down all the relevant information a parent needs to talk about sexuality with their kids into a single blog post for several reasons: 1. Each child is going to require different discussions at different points throughout childhood; 2. You wouldn’t emphasize all the same points to a girl as you would a boy or a child that is struggling with their gender identity; 3. You wouldn’t approach discussions about sexuality with a wallflower child as you would a social butterfly; 4. If your child has experienced sexual abuse, he/she would need different care that this post cannot address; 5. If your child is a sexual minority he/she is going to need some different conversations than a heterosexual child. However, there are some basics that everyone at any age can handle. There are also some points that I like to emphasize that are rarely if ever emphasized in standardized sexuality education programs or even parent-child communication programs. I also believe these points can be made regardless of the sexual values you have for your family. Here are a few “tip of the iceberg” pointers: 
     
Teach the anatomically correct language for genitals. I’m always surprised at how many adults don’t think their children should say “vagina” or “penis” (1, 2). These words need to be said with the same ease as “elbow” and “ear”. Genitals are just as much a part of the body as fingers, toes, heart, and brain. There really should be no blushing from anyone. If you are still in blush mode, play a little game I like to call Dramatic Anatomy!Perpetrators of sexual violence against children sniff this discomfort out-BIG TIME. If a child refers to their genitals as a “wee-wee” or something else absurd like “down there”, a perpetrator knows that child will be less likely to tell an adult if someone has touched her inappropriately (3). By age 3, your child should know the proper language for his body parts and what is “safe touching” and “un-safe touching”. You can find books to help facilitate these conversations here. My favorite book for little ones is Amazing You!

By age 7, your child should know the mechanics of reproduction through sexual intercourse. Your child should know how a baby is made the old fashioned way (sperm meets egg) as well as how babies are born in our hearts (through adoption) or through surrogacy, etc. Take her lead on it, if she asks, answer her honestly. This is the age where kids are most likely to hear about sex from their friends, so you want to make sure you’ve established yourself as an approachable parent who has already informed him, so he goes to you (before his friends) with sex questions he has in the future. My favorite books to help facilitate these conversations are It’s Not the Stork! and It’s so Amazing! You can find them here. 

Teach your child sexual agency. Whether boy or girl, 2 or 12, teach your child that her body is her own. No one, not even you, can tell him what to do with his body, what feels good, what is right for him, etc. You can begin instilling this concept at a young age by not making your child hug or kiss a relative that she doesn’t want to. Agency helps with the prevention of sexual abuse, rape, and the promotion of sexual health (3, 4). The mantra of “boys will be boys” and “he was thinking with his other head” takes the agency away from his actions and therefore the responsibility away from his actions. Teach your son he is responsible for his body and what he does with his body. It is completely under his control. Teaching a girl that good girls are ladies and ladies don’t like sex, makes it more likely that she won’t insist on her own pleasure and more likely she will comply with unwanted sexual behavior, because sex is ultimately not about her (5). I know teaching your child to be the decider of what they do with their body may seem counter-intuitive, because you want to protect your child by telling him to abstain completely from any type of sexual behavior. But making it clear that she is responsible for her body, entitled to safety, and entitled to pleasure is the way to go. Research tells us that adolescents who have more agency over their body, choose healthier sexual behavior and often delay sex longer than adolescents who score lower in agency (6, 7). So, if abstinence is what you’re after as a parent, agency is the way to go. Although most churches have really great intentions for their youth, abstinence-only messages have almost no impact on sexual behavior, whereas comprehensive sexuality education is associated with less pregnancy, less STIs, and a later age of first intercourse (8). If abstinence is the value you want to instill, it ultimately needs to be a value that your child has and will practice. In summary, you can provide the information, model the values, and teach responsible sexual behavior, but your child’s body his own. She decides what she does with it and she is responsible for the outcomes of those choices. Your job is to help him manage the outcomes of those choices. 

Teach your child that sex should be practiced with care, not fear. Fearful information is often the only information kids are getting about sex. You know, how sex can kill them or completely ruin their life. Or they get the information that sex is meaningless and you should “hit” or “tap” whatever ass you can get. Neither of these messages are ideal. Marnie Goldenberg, has 4 excellent points to emphasize during “The Talk”, my favorite is that sex should be handled with care. What a great word! Care. Care implies the need to plan, take responsibility for the decision and outcomes associated with that decision. Care also implies commitment. If you take care of something, you are committed to it. When you take care of something, you want both to promote positive outcomes as well as prevent negative outcomes. Emphasizing the need to take care of your sex life or to exercise care with sex is perfect, because the need never changes. Once a female experiences menarche (first menstruation) and a male experiences semenarche (first ejaculation), to when sexual behavior is full on active, to when it slows down, to when it seems impossible to conjure up the energy for, or when it comes all to easily with someone it shouldn’t, one needs to take care of their sexuality. 
        
Allow your children to get to know their body. If you are of a faith that doesn’t believe in masturbation, this is going to be tougher to teach and cultivate, but still entirely possible! So don’t run away yet! This message can be sent early on. For example, if you are changing a diaper, don’t slap your child’s exploring hands away hastily. If they are poking around in the bath tub, let them. As children get older and can begin to understand public and private behavior (about 3) then you want to encourage them to touch their genitals at home only. This is easier said than done. Bottom line- watch your emotional reaction. If you blush and squirm, it will most likely encourage more touching in public situations for some children or shame other children about touching all together. Although we know very little about masturbation during adolescence scientifically, we do know that masturbation among young women is associated with better sexual health (8). In order to encourage masturbation (the old fashioned way-without porn), you don’t need to spend too much time on the issue, but just assure your child that masturbation is normal and safe and that you recognize she needs some privacy to figure it out. If you don’t believe in masturbation, you can emphasize knowing your body and how it is changing throughout puberty. For example, giving a daughter a hand mirror so she can see how her body is changing is a good way to send the message that her body is special and she should get to know it. 
 
Your daughter does not need her daddy to protect her from all those boys who are up to no good!  This breaks my heart actually. I love the idea of my husband protecting my daughter and if she is heterosexual, showing her future boyfriends his machete collection. The idea of that fills me with great joy and warmth! But the message that she needs to be protected from boys is not a good one for 2 reasons: 1. It sends the message that all boys are up to no good. Meaning, that even if you find one to love and one you want a relationship with, even he will pressure you into having sex if you don’t want to or even worse, will force you to have sex when you don’t want to. Teach your daughter if she is being pressured, this is not the right dude! Next please! There are so many great guys out there who would never pressure someone into having sex before she is ready to; 2. The message assumes that she cannot protect herself. She needs to know that she can say NO and refuse an unwanted sexual situation and that she is perfectly capable of doing so. Instead, you should be teaching her about protecting herself and standing up for herself instead of sending the message that she will be taken advantage of, because all boys and men will eventually take advantage of her. 

Teach your children consent, because you are the only one who will. The world of media and peers teaches boys to get chicks. Lie to them, get them drunk, just get them. A lot of them. He needs to know that he doesn’t want to be “that guy”. I love this letter from a mom to a son about consent. Our sexual culture teaches girls not to be sexual but be incredibly sexy, leaving them confused as to when they want to engage in sexual behavior and what they can say no to if they’ve already engaged in say, a kiss. Teach your children that kissing or touching doesn’t mean he or she has given the green light for oral or penetrative sex. Here’s a fun video with more on consenting to sexual behavior.  
 
There is no such thing as ‘ready for sex’. There are better and worse circumstances to have sex for the first time, but no such thing as ‘ready’. There is such a thing as preparing to have consensual, pleasurable, and physically safe sex. Here’s a little check list you can pass along: Are you drunk? Have you practiced putting a condom on? Does your partner enthusiastically want to have sex? Have you asked her if she wants to have sex? Do you know his parent’s names? Have you seen a vaccination record? Bank statement? Does she have a letter of recommendation? Okay, I’m getting carried away. I think you get the idea though, the more prepared the better, but there is no such thing as ‘ready’.

Ultimately, sexual decisions are entirely up to your children. You cannot make their decisions for them. The only thing you can do as a parent is be approachable, provide accurate information, be consistent with your values, and then provide loving (not judging) support. The rest is up to your kid! So, take a deep breath and let go. 

(1)  Gartrell, N., & Mosbacher, D. (1984). Sex differences in the naming of children's genitalia. Sex Roles, 10, 869-876.

(2) Fraley, M. C., Nelson, E. C., Wolf, A. W., & Lozoff, B. (1991). Early genital naming. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 12, 301-304.

(3) Rosenzweig, J. (2012). The sex-wise parent. Skyhorse Publishing, New York: NY. 

(4) Egan, R. D., & Hawkes, G. (2009). The problem with protection: Or, why we need to move towards recognition and the sexual agency of children. Journal of Media & Cultural Studies, 23, 389-400.

(5) Tolman, D. L. (1999). Femininity as a barrier to positive sexual health for adolescent girls. Journal of the American Medical Women's Association, 54, 133-145.
 
(6) Rosenthal, D., Moore, S., & Flynn, I. (1991). Adolescent self‐efficacy, self‐esteem and sexual risk‐taking. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 1, 77-88.

(7) Lesch, E., & Kruger, L. M. (2005). Mothers, daughters and sexual agency in one low-income South African community. Social Science & Medicine, 61, 1072-1082.

(8) Kohler, P. K., Manhart, L. E., & Lafferty, W. E. (2008). Abstinence-only and comprehensive sex education and the initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy. Journal of Adolescent Health, 42, 344-351.

(9) Hogarth, H., & Ingham, R. (2009). Masturbation among young women and associations with sexual health: An exploratory study. Journal of Sex Research, 46, 558-567.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club