‘Sexting’ is typically referred to as sending a nude photo through a phone. There is nothing new about sharing a nude photo with a beloved. You just used to have to go to a seedy photography shop to get your film developed, or use a Polaroid and hand it over. The chances of lots of people seeing the photo were low. Remember needing to spring for double prints? Now, within seconds, thousands of people can see your nude photo depending on which app or website it gets uploaded to. Stats on the prevalence of sexting among teens are unclear, because studies range between 9%-60% (1, 2) of teens reporting that they have ever shared a nude image of themselves. So it’s difficult to tell how common sexting actually is. In order for us to address sexting in a realistic way with teens, we must first understand the sexual culture they live in that normalizes sexting.

1. Teens think everyone is sexting and it’s no big deal. Bottom line, if sexting is the norm in a teen’s social circle, they will likely sext (3). And teens who both send and receive sexts tend to be more popular than teens who don’t (4). Many of the girls I talk with think if you send a nude photo without your face in it, then there will be no negative outcome. Similarly, because sexting occurs so often without consequences like jail or complete social ostracization, when teens hear adults say that these consequences will occur, it makes adults lose credibility, because they “know” those bad things will not happen, because they haven’t happened yet.
2. Boys and girls engage in sexting for different reasons. Girls feel pressure to send sexts and are more likely to do so than boys (5). Boys feel more pressure to collect sexts and are more likely to receive sexts and share them with friends or post them online than girls. This poses an issue because it sets up a type of marketplace, where the boys are the consumers and the girls are the products to be consumed. And yes, sometimes boys are senders, but hetero girls are often not into dick pics.
3. The sexual double standard (the belief that men are sexual and women are not) is alive and well in sexting. We think nothing of a boy requesting a nude image or video, but when a girl participates, we think something is wrong with her. Instead of acknowledging that she too, is sexual. The sexual double standard has evolved some (6). Today, girls are expected to refrain from sexual activity, but be extremely sexually attractive and go to extreme lengths to prove it. It is not enough to be pure, elegant and ladylike, you also need to be hot and sexually available to men without actually doing the deed. Yeah, not easily achieved. 
4. Sexting can be a sign of self-objectification. In the context of a digital world where boys can objectify girls by watching pornography on their mobile phones in class, what is a girl to do? Well, some unconsciously decide “If I can’t beat ‘em, I can join ‘em.” Then they begin the process of self-objectification. Self-objectification is the act of treating yourself as an object instead of a subject. Meaning, you break down yourself into physical pieces to scrutinize instead of not worrying about your thighs because they are just as much ‘you’ as your sense of humor is. Now, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the feeling of ‘wantedness’ or sexual attractiveness, but the need for it can cross a line. Research shows that self-objectification is linked to decreased sexual esteem, sexual satisfaction, sexual safety, and increased disordered eating, depression and anxiety (7, 8, 9, 10). Self-objectification is becoming increasingly more pervasive, making it harder for girls to determine if they are actually expressing their sexuality by “being sexual” instead of just putting on a show for boys by “acting sexual” (11).
5. We have a victim blaming culture, even when it comes to sexting. When I do educational seminars about sex and technology with parents and teachers, I overwhelmingly hear stories of “sexting scandals”. Usually followed by a, “Why would she send a nude photo of herself in the first place? Something must be wrong with her.” The reason girls sext and post sexy pictures of themselves online is because they do not have as much power to claim sexual entitlement in our culture as men do. They first have to gain approval from men that they are worthy of sex through men acknowledging that they are f**ckable and legitimately hot. So, what do we do? We blame them for playing the game that we do very little to change.
6. We are so confused by our innate sexuality, we sexualize everything. We don’t talk about sex in an outward and realistic way. Yet, we are surrounded by intense sexualized imagery. Sexualization is when you take something that is not overtly sexual and you make it sexy. For example, we do this a lot with food: Carls Jr. commercials, anyone? And we certainly do this with girls through making their toys and clothes sexy but not boys’. Gendered Halloween costumes are a perfect example. It is the fascination with the combination of innocence, purity and sex that is downright dangerous because it promotes the sexualization of girls, which has been shown to increase approval attitudes about sexual abuse (12).  So why are we surprised when teen girls take sexy selfies with food, dress, anything really? They are making sense of their sexual identity through the culture that surrounds them.
7. We need to redefine female sexual liberation. We have a culture that packages self-objectification as liberation (8, 10). 3rd-wave feminists are typically into self-objectification as "liberating". However, I always tell college students in my seminars, if it is not making more orgasms happen, or sex more pleasurable or naturally occurring in some way, it’s probably not liberating. Therefore, it is important to ask teens, what does sexting do for your sex life? This new ‘liberating’ self-objectification is only the other end of the same spectrum of Victorian-Era chastity, perpetuating an unrealistic standard which women can never truly attain and can only come close to if they have specific physical characteristics. Bottom line, the act of girls and women sending naked pictures of themselves is still centering female sexual expression around men’s pleasure and approval.
8. We need to support girls to foster their own talents and abilities in multiple areas of life, and encourage boys to support them too. You don’t want your teen to sext? Try telling them not to do it. That didn’t work you say? Shocking. It’s important for parents of boys to acknowledge the pressure girls feel to prove they are sexy and to encourage them to recognize girls' interests, talents and knowledge above their looks whenever possible. For parents of girls, it’s important to focus on their abilities and not just their looks or dress from a young age. It’s not that it is bad for teen girls to express sexuality, it’s just that we don’t want their only dose of daily self-esteem boost to come from a sexy selfie because her sexual worth is her only worth.
9. We need to hold boys and men accountable for their actions, they are capable of not acting on sexual impulses. Parents and schools should be telling boys that asking girls for nude photos is sexual harassment, and that sexual harassment should have consequences under Title IX. Posting and forwarding nude photos or videos is known as revenge porn, and is becoming illegal in many states. This is where our focus should be. Think of how maniacal and vile it is to hurt someone so badly by utterly humiliating them and potentially running future possibilities by posting nude photos online. Compare this with the act of complying with a partner’s request to send a nude photo. Whose motivation is unhealthy? The person who sent the photo hoping for a sexual relationship or sexual intimacy? Or the person who posted or forwarded the photo for all to see.
10. We need comprehensive and evidence-based sexuality education that includes porn literacy in every single middle school and high school. The problems mentioned above are complex and not being explained to our youth. Indeed, we are even scared to teach them basic biology about their reproductive system, while 93% of boys start viewing pornography online during adolescence (13). We need to equip teens who choose to have sex with the proper tools to carry out safe, healthy and pleasurable sexual experiences. This is done through sex education in the home, at school, and online. We can do this while also supporting adolescents who choose not to have sex. Teens report learning more about sex from porn than any other outlet (14). So how does this affect sexting and revenge porn? We don’t have scientific evidence of that yet, but it doesn’t take a scientist to understand the need educate youth on the sexual reality they live instead of ignoring their sexuality all together.

 
References

(1) Mitchell, K. J., Jones, L., Finkelhor, D., & Wolak, J. (2014b). Youth involvement in sexting: Findings from the youth internet safety studies. Crimes Against Children Research Center, 1-11.

(2) Crimmins, D. M., & Seigfried-Spellar, K. C. (2014). Peer attachment, sexual experiences, and risky online behaviors as predictors of sexting behaviors among undergraduate students. Computers in Human Behavior, 32, 268-275.

(3) Walrave, M., Ponnet, K., Van Ouytsel, J., Van Gool, E., Heirman, W., & Verbeek, A. (2015). Whether or not to engage in sexting: Explaining adolescent sexting behaviour by applying the prototype willingness model. Telematics and Informatics, (April). doi:10.1016/j.tele.2015.03.008

(4) Vanden Abeele, M., Campbell, S. W., Eggermont, S., & Roe, K. (2014). Sexting, Mobile Porn Use, and Peer Group Dynamics: Boys’ and Girls' Self-Perceived Popularity, Need for Popularity, and Perceived Peer Pressure. Media Psychology, 17(1), 6–33. doi:10.1080/15213269.2013.801725.

(5) Ringrose, J., Harvey, L., Gill, R., & Livingstone, S. (2013). Teen girls, sexual double standards and ‘sexting’: Gendered value in digital image exchange. Feminist Theory, 14, 305-323.

(6) Milhausen, R. R., & Herold, E. S. (1999). Does the sexual double standard still exist? Perceptions of university women. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 361-368.

(7) Calogero, R. M., & Thompson, J. K. (2009). Sexual self-esteem in American and British college women: Relations with self-objectification and eating problems. Sex Roles, 60, 160-173.

(8) Grabe, S., & Hyde, J. S. (2009). Body objectification, MTV, and psychological outcomes among female Adolescents1. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 39, 2840-2858.

(9) Schick, V. R., Calabrese, S. K., Rima, B. N., & Zucker, A. N. (2010). Genital appearance dissatisfaction: Implications for women’s genital image self-consciousness, sexual esteem, sexual satisfaction, and sexual risk. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 394-404.

(10) Muehlenkamp, J. J., & Saris–Baglama, R. N. (2002). Self–objectification and its psychological outcomes for college women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 26, 371-379.

(11) Tolman, D. L. (2005). Dilemmas of desire: Teenage girls talk about sexuality. Harvard: University Press. American Psychological Association, T. F. O. T. S. O. G. (2007). Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls. APA Talk Force on the Sexualization of Girls. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

(12) Sabina, C., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth CyberPsychology & Behavior, 11(6), 691-693.

(13) Albury, K. (2014). Porn and sex education, porn as sex education. Porn Studies, 1, 172-181.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

Do you know what your kids are doing online? Have no fear! Keeping your kids safe online is a lot harder than you think. That’s right. It’s not easy. There is a lot to consider. Should you let them pave their own way? Eventually. Does monitoring replace parenting? No. Is your kid going to try to disable any software you install? Yes. But it’s still your responsibility to not only keep your kids safe online, but to teach them how to keep themselves safe when they’ve shown they can handle the responsibility of having 24-hour access to the web. Here are 8 steps to get you started:

1. Get to know the technology: So many of the parents I speak with don’t know how to work apps, navigate a laptop, or turn on the Wii. Search YouTube for how-to videos and spend some time getting comfortable with the technology your kid is using. You can also check out this App Guide for Parents, to fill you in on all the latest apps.
   
   
2. Use existing privacy settings: Check the privacy and parental settings on all of your devices (desktop computers, laptops, phones, tablets, game consoles) and use them. Super savvy teens can bypass these if they work hard enough, but younger kids can’t. You’ll be preventing accidental exposure to all sorts of stuff just by using the pre-existing settings.
   
   
3. Filter and monitor: Parents will tell me that they talked to their child about the internet, so they don’t need to install monitoring software. Ummm…wrong. You do need to install it. And re-install it. There is software that can monitor tablets and smart phones like this one and this one too. There is also software where you can manually allow certain websites (e.g. sexual health sites) that may be automatically blocked. You can find more info here. Of course, there are ways for your child to get around most software, which is why you need to stay on top of passwords and re-install frequently. However, the more difficult you make it, the less likely he/she can be exposed to content for hours on end. Be honest about your monitoring. Secretly recording a kid’s internet usage will likely do more harm to the relationship than good for the child.
   
   
4. Talk to your kids about digital citizenship: It’s important for your kids to know that everything online is permanent. Everyone could potentially see your “likes” and “favorites” as well as your comments on other photos. This permanency makes it important to consider your online reputation. Teens can start building a positive reputation online using LinkedIn and keeping all other social media profiles completely private. For example, most people keep their Twitter and Instagram profiles public and college admission committees will look up applicants online and see those profiles. Encourage teens not to post sexy or wild photos of themselves, or at least not as a profile pic.
   
   
5. Limit technology use: Try to limit time by providing time windows when the use of the internet is allowed and windows where it is not. You could also try a tech curfew (no internet after 7 or 8pm). Some families have found that having no tablet/smartphone usage from 5-7pm works, then they have a 30 min window to return emails, messages, and texts, and then off again at 7:30pm. There is also software which tracks time spent on Netflix, Facebook, Games, Word, Excel, etc. offering another way to monitor time spent on a computer doing recreational activities vs. homework activities. There is a new trend called “vamping”, where teens stay up all night long on social media while their parents think they’re asleep. If this is the case, you might have to disable the wireless router at night. Whatever you choose, 24-hour unlimited access to the internet doesn’t mean we need to be online 24-hours a day.
   
   
6. Keep internet devices in public places: It’s easy to sneak a peek at porn when at a friend’s house or even in your own living room. However, it is really hard to masturbate to hours of porn every day or to chat with a pedophile if there is no device to connect to the internet in your bedroom or bathroom. So, no laptops, tablets, or smartphones in bedrooms or bathrooms. They are not private devices, so they do not belong in private rooms. Here’s the catch: you should do this too. Try to have a “home” for the devices such as a basket or cabinet (some families have a cabinet that locks for kids who sneak their devices at night). This sends the message that these devices don't belong to the child, they belong to the parent who is allowing the child to use the device. 
   
   
7. Set rules with consequences. Cyber behavior should be thought of as an extension of the self…..or representation of the self. If you wouldn’t do it in-person, you probably shouldn’t be doing it online. Little kids understand this better than big kids who can think more abstractly and can rationalize their bad behavior online. One way to get your child to think about his/her online behavior is to have him/her make a contract, you can find a sample one, here. There needs to be a consequence if they break the contract.
   
   
8. Gradually build autonomy: Your goal as a parent is to build autonomy within your child in almost every area: finances, emotions, social bonds, chores. You want your kid to be able to take care of him/herself. The same is true for their cyber-self. Trying to block and/or monitor everything or eliminate technology completely isn’t going to help them regulate their own use once they leave your house. That said, kids under 14, don’t really have the ability (developmentally) to regulate themselves, so blocking and/or monitoring as much as you can is the way to go. As they get older, you can expand their cyber freedom as they earn your trust.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club