Sex Begets Sex
I just read a hilarious account of one woman’s experience of
having sex with her husband every day for a year. Ummm, who has that kind of time?! Her main motivation was to work through some body image issues. However, this has become a trend as more sex therapists like this one and also this one have started to “prescribe sex” to increase desire for sex. One couple may have helped to pioneer this trend when they wrote a book about their experience of 365 nights of sex. The idea is to “fake it before you make it”. They say it takes 21 days of doing something before it becomes habit. 21 days of sex is much more
doable than 365! Think of it like starting an exercise program. You hate it in the beginning, but then it just becomes a part of your routine. However, Please don’t confuse having sex (with someone you love and trust) when you don’t desire to for non-consensual sex. There are many reasons couples have sex, one is relationship maintenance. This is when you have sex to please your partner even when you aren’t actually in the mood. This is a form of consensual, unwanted sex. In the academic world, it is known as sexual compliance. Understanding this and deciding to have “mutual unwanted sex” can be helpful for relationships that are ebbing instead of flowing. As I’ve learned from Esther Perel, desire doesn’t come naturally after years with the same person. So if you wait around until you have an urge, it could be awhile. Therefore, you’ve got to make an effort to create the sparks you want. I hope you are inspired by the information in this blog and attempt to get it on every day for [insert tolerance level in the form of a number] days with your significant other!
Love and Desire?
Esther Perel makes an astute observation about the demands we place on modern day love in this enlightening TED talk and must-read book, Mating in Captivity. We really do expect so much from our romantic partners: love, desire, familiarity, novelty, accountability, mystery…the hypocrisies go on forever. This is essentially the first time in human history where we have expected to have sex with the same person for years without the purpose of having ten children because 5 will die, without the knowledge that the marriage was a real-estate transaction (pre-industrial revolution) and without the convenience of a lover/concubine/mistress on the side. We want passionate, fulfilling, monogamous love and sex with the same person for life?! How is this possible? She tries to tell us how.
About this Blog:
I'm here to help us discuss sexuality, gender, and media by integrating information from academic and mainstream sources. I hope this resource produces more sexually competent people who raise sexually competent kids.