‘Sexting’ is typically referred to as sending a nude photo through a phone. There is nothing new about sharing a nude photo with a beloved. You just used to have to go to a seedy photography shop to get your film developed, or use a Polaroid and hand it over. The chances of lots of people seeing the photo were low. Remember needing to spring for double prints? Now, within seconds, thousands of people can see your nude photo depending on which app or website it gets uploaded to. Stats on the prevalence of sexting among teens are unclear, because studies range between 9%-60% (1, 2) of teens reporting that they have ever shared a nude image of themselves. So it’s difficult to tell how common sexting actually is. In order for us to address sexting in a realistic way with teens, we must first understand the sexual culture they live in that normalizes sexting.

1. Teens think everyone is sexting and it’s no big deal. Bottom line, if sexting is the norm in a teen’s social circle, they will likely sext (3). And teens who both send and receive sexts tend to be more popular than teens who don’t (4). Many of the girls I talk with think if you send a nude photo without your face in it, then there will be no negative outcome. Similarly, because sexting occurs so often without consequences like jail or complete social ostracization, when teens hear adults say that these consequences will occur, it makes adults lose credibility, because they “know” those bad things will not happen, because they haven’t happened yet.
2. Boys and girls engage in sexting for different reasons. Girls feel pressure to send sexts and are more likely to do so than boys (5). Boys feel more pressure to collect sexts and are more likely to receive sexts and share them with friends or post them online than girls. This poses an issue because it sets up a type of marketplace, where the boys are the consumers and the girls are the products to be consumed. And yes, sometimes boys are senders, but hetero girls are often not into dick pics.
3. The sexual double standard (the belief that men are sexual and women are not) is alive and well in sexting. We think nothing of a boy requesting a nude image or video, but when a girl participates, we think something is wrong with her. Instead of acknowledging that she too, is sexual. The sexual double standard has evolved some (6). Today, girls are expected to refrain from sexual activity, but be extremely sexually attractive and go to extreme lengths to prove it. It is not enough to be pure, elegant and ladylike, you also need to be hot and sexually available to men without actually doing the deed. Yeah, not easily achieved. 
4. Sexting can be a sign of self-objectification. In the context of a digital world where boys can objectify girls by watching pornography on their mobile phones in class, what is a girl to do? Well, some unconsciously decide “If I can’t beat ‘em, I can join ‘em.” Then they begin the process of self-objectification. Self-objectification is the act of treating yourself as an object instead of a subject. Meaning, you break down yourself into physical pieces to scrutinize instead of not worrying about your thighs because they are just as much ‘you’ as your sense of humor is. Now, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the feeling of ‘wantedness’ or sexual attractiveness, but the need for it can cross a line. Research shows that self-objectification is linked to decreased sexual esteem, sexual satisfaction, sexual safety, and increased disordered eating, depression and anxiety (7, 8, 9, 10). Self-objectification is becoming increasingly more pervasive, making it harder for girls to determine if they are actually expressing their sexuality by “being sexual” instead of just putting on a show for boys by “acting sexual” (11).
5. We have a victim blaming culture, even when it comes to sexting. When I do educational seminars about sex and technology with parents and teachers, I overwhelmingly hear stories of “sexting scandals”. Usually followed by a, “Why would she send a nude photo of herself in the first place? Something must be wrong with her.” The reason girls sext and post sexy pictures of themselves online is because they do not have as much power to claim sexual entitlement in our culture as men do. They first have to gain approval from men that they are worthy of sex through men acknowledging that they are f**ckable and legitimately hot. So, what do we do? We blame them for playing the game that we do very little to change.
6. We are so confused by our innate sexuality, we sexualize everything. We don’t talk about sex in an outward and realistic way. Yet, we are surrounded by intense sexualized imagery. Sexualization is when you take something that is not overtly sexual and you make it sexy. For example, we do this a lot with food: Carls Jr. commercials, anyone? And we certainly do this with girls through making their toys and clothes sexy but not boys’. Gendered Halloween costumes are a perfect example. It is the fascination with the combination of innocence, purity and sex that is downright dangerous because it promotes the sexualization of girls, which has been shown to increase approval attitudes about sexual abuse (12).  So why are we surprised when teen girls take sexy selfies with food, dress, anything really? They are making sense of their sexual identity through the culture that surrounds them.
7. We need to redefine female sexual liberation. We have a culture that packages self-objectification as liberation (8, 10). 3rd-wave feminists are typically into self-objectification as "liberating". However, I always tell college students in my seminars, if it is not making more orgasms happen, or sex more pleasurable or naturally occurring in some way, it’s probably not liberating. Therefore, it is important to ask teens, what does sexting do for your sex life? This new ‘liberating’ self-objectification is only the other end of the same spectrum of Victorian-Era chastity, perpetuating an unrealistic standard which women can never truly attain and can only come close to if they have specific physical characteristics. Bottom line, the act of girls and women sending naked pictures of themselves is still centering female sexual expression around men’s pleasure and approval.
8. We need to support girls to foster their own talents and abilities in multiple areas of life, and encourage boys to support them too. You don’t want your teen to sext? Try telling them not to do it. That didn’t work you say? Shocking. It’s important for parents of boys to acknowledge the pressure girls feel to prove they are sexy and to encourage them to recognize girls' interests, talents and knowledge above their looks whenever possible. For parents of girls, it’s important to focus on their abilities and not just their looks or dress from a young age. It’s not that it is bad for teen girls to express sexuality, it’s just that we don’t want their only dose of daily self-esteem boost to come from a sexy selfie because her sexual worth is her only worth.
9. We need to hold boys and men accountable for their actions, they are capable of not acting on sexual impulses. Parents and schools should be telling boys that asking girls for nude photos is sexual harassment, and that sexual harassment should have consequences under Title IX. Posting and forwarding nude photos or videos is known as revenge porn, and is becoming illegal in many states. This is where our focus should be. Think of how maniacal and vile it is to hurt someone so badly by utterly humiliating them and potentially running future possibilities by posting nude photos online. Compare this with the act of complying with a partner’s request to send a nude photo. Whose motivation is unhealthy? The person who sent the photo hoping for a sexual relationship or sexual intimacy? Or the person who posted or forwarded the photo for all to see.
10. We need comprehensive and evidence-based sexuality education that includes porn literacy in every single middle school and high school. The problems mentioned above are complex and not being explained to our youth. Indeed, we are even scared to teach them basic biology about their reproductive system, while 93% of boys start viewing pornography online during adolescence (13). We need to equip teens who choose to have sex with the proper tools to carry out safe, healthy and pleasurable sexual experiences. This is done through sex education in the home, at school, and online. We can do this while also supporting adolescents who choose not to have sex. Teens report learning more about sex from porn than any other outlet (14). So how does this affect sexting and revenge porn? We don’t have scientific evidence of that yet, but it doesn’t take a scientist to understand the need educate youth on the sexual reality they live instead of ignoring their sexuality all together.

 
References

(1) Mitchell, K. J., Jones, L., Finkelhor, D., & Wolak, J. (2014b). Youth involvement in sexting: Findings from the youth internet safety studies. Crimes Against Children Research Center, 1-11.

(2) Crimmins, D. M., & Seigfried-Spellar, K. C. (2014). Peer attachment, sexual experiences, and risky online behaviors as predictors of sexting behaviors among undergraduate students. Computers in Human Behavior, 32, 268-275.

(3) Walrave, M., Ponnet, K., Van Ouytsel, J., Van Gool, E., Heirman, W., & Verbeek, A. (2015). Whether or not to engage in sexting: Explaining adolescent sexting behaviour by applying the prototype willingness model. Telematics and Informatics, (April). doi:10.1016/j.tele.2015.03.008

(4) Vanden Abeele, M., Campbell, S. W., Eggermont, S., & Roe, K. (2014). Sexting, Mobile Porn Use, and Peer Group Dynamics: Boys’ and Girls' Self-Perceived Popularity, Need for Popularity, and Perceived Peer Pressure. Media Psychology, 17(1), 6–33. doi:10.1080/15213269.2013.801725.

(5) Ringrose, J., Harvey, L., Gill, R., & Livingstone, S. (2013). Teen girls, sexual double standards and ‘sexting’: Gendered value in digital image exchange. Feminist Theory, 14, 305-323.

(6) Milhausen, R. R., & Herold, E. S. (1999). Does the sexual double standard still exist? Perceptions of university women. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 361-368.

(7) Calogero, R. M., & Thompson, J. K. (2009). Sexual self-esteem in American and British college women: Relations with self-objectification and eating problems. Sex Roles, 60, 160-173.

(8) Grabe, S., & Hyde, J. S. (2009). Body objectification, MTV, and psychological outcomes among female Adolescents1. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 39, 2840-2858.

(9) Schick, V. R., Calabrese, S. K., Rima, B. N., & Zucker, A. N. (2010). Genital appearance dissatisfaction: Implications for women’s genital image self-consciousness, sexual esteem, sexual satisfaction, and sexual risk. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 394-404.

(10) Muehlenkamp, J. J., & Saris–Baglama, R. N. (2002). Self–objectification and its psychological outcomes for college women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 26, 371-379.

(11) Tolman, D. L. (2005). Dilemmas of desire: Teenage girls talk about sexuality. Harvard: University Press. American Psychological Association, T. F. O. T. S. O. G. (2007). Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls. APA Talk Force on the Sexualization of Girls. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

(12) Sabina, C., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth CyberPsychology & Behavior, 11(6), 691-693.

(13) Albury, K. (2014). Porn and sex education, porn as sex education. Porn Studies, 1, 172-181.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

There is something eerily disturbing about committing crimes, photographing them, and then sharing those photos on a social media site. An investigation into a Penn State fraternity, Kappa Delta Rho, is underway as police allegedly uncovered images of drug deals and nude (some unconscious) women that were posted on the fraternity’s Facebook group page. The entitlement and lack of empathy from these actions should make us all cringe.

It seems clear that the Greek system is a breeding ground for questionable behavior and needs to be reformed. Don’t get me wrong, there are many positive contributions from fraternities that benefit the universities and outlying communities that support them. However, that doesn’t negate the criminal behavior that also occurs more frequently among fraternities: underage drinking, drug use, vandalism, harassment, sexual assault, and now, revenge porn. We know that at least 1 in 5 women have experienced rape by the age of 25 (1), which is a daunting to say the least. So why have we turned and looked the other way after studies reveal that sexual assault is a common occurrence among many fraternities (2, 3, 4)? Are we really just fine with chalking it all up to “boys will be boys”?

What is posting nude images of women without their consent about?

Although members of KDR claim their behavior is just a joke, posting nude photos of women who are unconscious is cruel, to say the least. Posting images or videos of nudity and/or sex that were consensually taken but not consensually distributed is typically referred to as revenge porn (5), which is illegal in many states. What is even more disturbing, is that the alleged photos on the KDR page were not consensually taken or consensually distributed. In defense of Kappa Delta Rho, one member anonymously gives his take on the issue. “It was an entirely satirical group and it was funny to some extent. Some of the stuff, yeah, it’s raunchy stuff, as you would expect from a bunch of college-aged guys,” he said. “But, I mean, you could go on any one of hundreds and thousands of different sites to access the same kind of stuff and obviously a lot worse and a lot more explicit.”

Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell the difference between revenge porn and amateur porn. Most porn users think they are just going to amateur sites which is morally better than supporting the porn industry. However, it is hard to classify that type of porn use as righteous with video and image captions like, “Watch me *#%K my ex!” or “Check out this chick getting *#%ked. I don’t even know her name!” Until recently, no one knew what to call this type of porn and thus it defaulted to ‘amateur porn’. However, the term ‘revenge porn’ is more appropriate for much of the material because the women in these videos did not consent to distribution.

What individuals don’t often realize is that guys aren’t just posting and viewing this material passively. Many are using this material to give them an orgasm. Let that sink in for a minute. These sites are created as porn, to masturbate with. If you are using something to give you physiological pleasure (i.e. dopamine) it becomes a behavioral reinforcer. We see this with almost any animal in almost any context. So, why is the context of humans and internet porn any different? Is this the one arena where all that we know about the psychology and physiology of learning becomes obsolete? Unlikely. Imagine a room full of guys that masturbate several times a week to revenge porn getting physiologically reinforced for that behavior. Then, those same guys sit through a 2-hour sexual assault prevention program. How can the prevention program possibly compete?

Why would a group of guys post images of criminal behavior on social media?

Members of the community are ‘shocked’. These guys participate in THON! So, sexually assaulting and harassing is fine as long as you also raise money for charity? Please. Let’s look at the white, heterosexual, male privilege here (6). You commit a crime, get a good lawyer, you’ll likely be fine. It’s difficult to imagine that a black fraternity would get away with posting photos of drug deals. Another recent example of the privilege of white fraternities was the Oklahoma incident where racism reared its ugly head. I’m not saying all fraternities are sexist or racist, but the very structure of them creates the environment for sexist and racist ideology to breed, but more importantly, to go unchecked.

Even though revenge porn website enthusiasts swear their motivation is nothing but an opportunity 'to look at real naked women’, in reality, the act of uploading a nude picture to punish a woman for leaving you or to boast about you %#$*ing her, is less of an act of sexual expression and more similar to the criminal behavior of stalking and harassment (7). It is clear that non-consensual distribution of sexual imagery and videos is intended to humiliate the victim. With that in mind, we should amend stalking and harassment legislation to reflect our new cyber-reality. Just because the abusive acts are happening in cyberspace doesn't mean the experience of being humiliated and harassed by an ex is any less terrifying.

Why do we do nothing when we hear of college campus sexual assault and revenge porn crimes?

We do nothing when we hear of these “shenanigans” because if we actually acknowledged that violence against women is very real and we can all do something to stop it, we would have to change our behaviors. Instead, we change our opinions. This is a little thing called cognitive dissonance. If the behaviors of the frat boys or football players isn’t that big a deal because ‘boys will be boys’, we can go on as usual. If their behavior is no longer acceptable in our eyes, we need to change our behavior in some annoying way (e.g. stop associating with a fraternity, stop attending football games, sign a petition, write a letter to an administrator, stop laughing when someone makes a joke about frat boys and rape).

Our cognitive dissonance makes it safe to perpetrate sexual assault because privileged perpetrators know that it is nearly impossible to charge and convict someone of sexual assault. Even if they are convicted, the public will ultimately feel bad for the perpetrator and his “future being ruined”, rather than feel bad for the victim who “should’ve avoided these parties in the first place”.

What can universities do to prevent college campus sexual assault and sexual harassment?

1. Bystander Intervention Programs: Sexual assault, binge drinking, harassment, etc. occurs because people surrounding the acts stay silent and accept the behavior, known as the bystander effect. Programs that teach individuals to stand up and say something when they know something is wrong, show reductions in sexual assault, alcohol poisoning, etc.
   
   
2. Sororities should have their own houses: Currently, Penn State sororities do not have their own houses. Therefore, the fraternities control the parties, giving them more leverage to pressure individuals and whole sororities. If sororities can throw their own parties, that transforms the power dynamic dramatically.
   
   
3. Enforce Title IX and student conduct policies: Fraternities are rallying in Washington for schools to stop the enforcement of Title IX when it comes to sexual assault. Sexual assault is extremely hard to prosecute in the legal system. When schools can act within their own student conduct policies it makes for a safer educational environment for all.
   
   
4. Hire Victim Advocates: It is beyond difficult to stand up to your own group of friends and say you were assaulted. Victim advocates act as a support system for the victim to navigate the healthcare system, legal system and social systems. They help victims achieve justice.
    
   
   

Please keep in mind that the problem of college campus sexual assault and revenge porn is not solely a fraternity problem. A large part of the problem is our own cognitive dissonance and the bystander effect that keep us from acting. The next step in ending violence toward women is to recognize that men must lead the way. Men need to step up to the plate when their friends are out of line. And when we hear of questionable behavior, we have to stop telling ourselves “boys will be boys”.



References

(1) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012. 

(2) Frintner, M. P., & Rubinson, L. (1993). Acquaintance rape: The influence of alcohol, fraternity membership, and sports team membership. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 19(4), 272-284.

(3) Humphrey, S. E., & Kahn, A. S. (2000). Fraternities, athletic teams, and rape. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15, 1313-1320.

(4) Krebs, C. P., Lindquist, C. H., Warner, T. D., Fisher, B. S., & Martin, S. L. (2007). The campus sexual assault (CSA) study. Washington, DC: National Institute of Justice, US Department of Justice.

(5) Citron, D. K., & Franks, M. A. (2014). Criminalizing revenge porn. Wake Forest Law Review, 49, 345.

(6) Rothenberg, P. S. (Ed.). (2004). White privilege: Essential readings on the other side of racism. Macmillan.

(7) Davis, K. E., Ace, A., & Andra, M. (2000). Stalking perpetrators and psychological maltreatment of partners: Anger-jealousy, attachment insecurity, need for control, and break-up context. Violence and Victims, 15, 407-425.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

This article is featured on The Huffington Post.

Do you know what your kids are doing online? Have no fear! Keeping your kids safe online is a lot harder than you think. That’s right. It’s not easy. There is a lot to consider. Should you let them pave their own way? Eventually. Does monitoring replace parenting? No. Is your kid going to try to disable any software you install? Yes. But it’s still your responsibility to not only keep your kids safe online, but to teach them how to keep themselves safe when they’ve shown they can handle the responsibility of having 24-hour access to the web. Here are 8 steps to get you started:

1. Get to know the technology: So many of the parents I speak with don’t know how to work apps, navigate a laptop, or turn on the Wii. Search YouTube for how-to videos and spend some time getting comfortable with the technology your kid is using. You can also check out this App Guide for Parents, to fill you in on all the latest apps.
   
   
2. Use existing privacy settings: Check the privacy and parental settings on all of your devices (desktop computers, laptops, phones, tablets, game consoles) and use them. Super savvy teens can bypass these if they work hard enough, but younger kids can’t. You’ll be preventing accidental exposure to all sorts of stuff just by using the pre-existing settings.
   
   
3. Filter and monitor: Parents will tell me that they talked to their child about the internet, so they don’t need to install monitoring software. Ummm…wrong. You do need to install it. And re-install it. There is software that can monitor tablets and smart phones like this one and this one too. There is also software where you can manually allow certain websites (e.g. sexual health sites) that may be automatically blocked. You can find more info here. Of course, there are ways for your child to get around most software, which is why you need to stay on top of passwords and re-install frequently. However, the more difficult you make it, the less likely he/she can be exposed to content for hours on end. Be honest about your monitoring. Secretly recording a kid’s internet usage will likely do more harm to the relationship than good for the child.
   
   
4. Talk to your kids about digital citizenship: It’s important for your kids to know that everything online is permanent. Everyone could potentially see your “likes” and “favorites” as well as your comments on other photos. This permanency makes it important to consider your online reputation. Teens can start building a positive reputation online using LinkedIn and keeping all other social media profiles completely private. For example, most people keep their Twitter and Instagram profiles public and college admission committees will look up applicants online and see those profiles. Encourage teens not to post sexy or wild photos of themselves, or at least not as a profile pic.
   
   
5. Limit technology use: Try to limit time by providing time windows when the use of the internet is allowed and windows where it is not. You could also try a tech curfew (no internet after 7 or 8pm). Some families have found that having no tablet/smartphone usage from 5-7pm works, then they have a 30 min window to return emails, messages, and texts, and then off again at 7:30pm. There is also software which tracks time spent on Netflix, Facebook, Games, Word, Excel, etc. offering another way to monitor time spent on a computer doing recreational activities vs. homework activities. There is a new trend called “vamping”, where teens stay up all night long on social media while their parents think they’re asleep. If this is the case, you might have to disable the wireless router at night. Whatever you choose, 24-hour unlimited access to the internet doesn’t mean we need to be online 24-hours a day.
   
   
6. Keep internet devices in public places: It’s easy to sneak a peek at porn when at a friend’s house or even in your own living room. However, it is really hard to masturbate to hours of porn every day or to chat with a pedophile if there is no device to connect to the internet in your bedroom or bathroom. So, no laptops, tablets, or smartphones in bedrooms or bathrooms. They are not private devices, so they do not belong in private rooms. Here’s the catch: you should do this too. Try to have a “home” for the devices such as a basket or cabinet (some families have a cabinet that locks for kids who sneak their devices at night). This sends the message that these devices don't belong to the child, they belong to the parent who is allowing the child to use the device. 
   
   
7. Set rules with consequences. Cyber behavior should be thought of as an extension of the self…..or representation of the self. If you wouldn’t do it in-person, you probably shouldn’t be doing it online. Little kids understand this better than big kids who can think more abstractly and can rationalize their bad behavior online. One way to get your child to think about his/her online behavior is to have him/her make a contract, you can find a sample one, here. There needs to be a consequence if they break the contract.
   
   
8. Gradually build autonomy: Your goal as a parent is to build autonomy within your child in almost every area: finances, emotions, social bonds, chores. You want your kid to be able to take care of him/herself. The same is true for their cyber-self. Trying to block and/or monitor everything or eliminate technology completely isn’t going to help them regulate their own use once they leave your house. That said, kids under 14, don’t really have the ability (developmentally) to regulate themselves, so blocking and/or monitoring as much as you can is the way to go. As they get older, you can expand their cyber freedom as they earn your trust.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

     I know, talking about sex with kids is hard enough, let alone talking about porn! You may have tried to have “the talk”, and that was awkward, so now you just hope for the best! You’re not alone. Our ever-growing-media-saturated culture is not easy to keep up with. Even sex educators and sex researchers like myself have a hard time keeping up. Luckily, you get more than one shot. Talking about sex and porn isn’t a one-time only deal. Especially if your children are young or haven’t seen much porn yet. So, make sure to read part 1 of this 3-part series and prepare yourself  first. In my years of studying and talking about sexuality and pornography with college students, teachers, social workers, counselors, and academics, I’ve discovered some important talking points to get conversations going. Regardless of how you feel about how right or wrong porn is, it is essential you understand porn and sex are quite different and should be approached differently. 

      In general, you will want to keep a positive tone, and try to be as conversational as possible. Kids rarely react well to stern lectures about sex. One of your goals is to establish yourself as an approachable parent, and being positive and conversational helps you achieve that. In general, put these talking points into your own words and modify as needed for younger kids. For example, you can say, “pictures of naked people” instead of “porn”. The following are 9 general talking points that can help you start or continue multiple conversations about porn, sex, and our sexual culture:

1.  If you’ve rarely discussed sexuality, apologize. 

Additional talking points:   

• You are curious and ready to know about sex, and that is normal. I’m sorry I didn’t prepare you for it sooner.
• It is my job to help you develop skills to navigate sexual and romantic experiences when you are ready to. I will try my best to answer your questions without judgment and connect you to quality information when I don’t know the answers or am too uncomfortable to answer. You can text or email me instead of asking me in person if it makes you more comfortable.

Why: It is okay to acknowledge that you, your greater family, your church, or our culture may contribute to feeling shame about sexual thoughts or feelings. It’s also okay to admit you haven’t been responsive in that area. This establishes that you are willing to admit when you are wrong and are open to learning about our sexual culture yourself.

2. Sex and nudity are some of the most exciting aspects of life and have been celebrated in nearly every culture for thousands of years. 

Additional talking points:   

• For centuries people have seen nudity and sex in art, this is called Erotica (Greek root words: sex (eros) depicted in art (itica). It's only natural to want to see people naked and see them having sex, especially after puberty.

Why: This takes away some of the guilt for wanting to see naked people in the first place and demystifies sex depicted in art. It’s important to establish openness and not perpetuate porn or erotica as a “dirty little secret”. Depicting sex and nudity is nothing new or uncommon, and kids should know that. 

3. Porn is not about sex or nudity. 

Additional talking points:   

• Porn is a business. It is the commodification of visual depictions of sex. Or, visual depictions of sex turned into a product. The Greek root words mean photograph (ography) of a prostitute (porne). 
• The bodies are usually enhanced with waxing, make-up, and cosmetic surgery (even in amateur porn). So, don’t feel weird if your body looks different.
• The type of sex that occurs in porn is supposed to shock audiences in order to compete against all the other porn sites. That is why so much of porn is aggressive and humiliating. Even if your friends say it’s normal, it is probably because they watch porn. Studies show that when people watch porn more often, they think the porn-type sex acts are more prevalent than they actually are (1). 
• There are many visual depictions of sexuality that aren’t aggressive and humiliating, but they would mostly fall under the category of erotica and are much harder to find, and usually cost money to view.
• When you are an adult, I encourage you to be conscious of the sexual material you consume and how it portrays humanity. The more you click on something violent, aggressive, or degrading, the more you drive up its value. I don’t encourage you to support violent, aggressive, or humiliating material in any way. 

Why: It is important to make a distinction between porn and sex. Describing porn as an industry can help kids understand why it’s not necessarily real and shouldn’t be used as a means of sex education. Getting a child to understand the aspects of the industry that they are supporting is an important value to instill, so they understand their internet use as an extension of their own values and not just meaningless entertainment. 

4. Due to the enormous profits to be made, there are many companies out there taking advantage of their performers or encouraging them to engage in extreme sex acts to stay “marketable”(2). 

Additional talking points:   

• Drugs are often used to facilitate extreme sex acts and drug use is a normative part of the community.
• Drug use contributes to pressure to stay in the industry because there isn’t a whole lot of other jobs in which you can do drugs during work. 
• Not every company capitalizes on this problem. But you need to think about the lifestyle you are supporting every time you click. 

Why: It’s important for kids (and adults) to understand the profit that is driving the type of sex they are seeing, especially for kids who haven’t had sex yet. For example, this would be really important point for you to make if your child has seen bukkae (when multiple men ejaculate on the face of 1 woman at the same time) or double penetration (when 2 men put 1 penis in an anus and another in the vagina). 
 
5. Sex is about pleasure! 

Additional talking points:   

• Humans have sex for pleasure and connection, not just baby-making. Even other animals have sex for pleasure. Sexual behavior feels really good and that’s mostly why people have sex. 
• Even though people seem like they are experiencing pleasure in porn, they are often acting.  
• I want you to have pleasurable sex when you’re ready to. 
• When you have sex with someone, it is important for you to not pretend to like sex acts that you really don’t. It is also important for you to ask your partner if they find certain sex acts pleasurable before engaging in them instead of pressuring someone into the act.
• Some people feel pressured to replicate sex acts seen in porn (3). Others pressure partners into sex acts they see in porn. Neither is about pleasure or connection. It’s okay to explore, but that occurs through communication and creativity. Not mimicking.

Why: For kids who know how babies are made, but don’t understand sex for pleasure (e.g. oral and anal sex), they can be really confused after seeing it on the internet. Teens may already know this, but younger kids may not. Talking about sexual pleasure also gives you a little more “street cred” and can make you seem more approachable when they have a sex question in the future because you aren’t just the bearer of bad news when it comes to sex. 
 
 6. Masturbation is completely normal. 

 Additional talking point:   

• I promise to give you the time and space to figure out your own body. For example, we can arrange an agreement about knocking on your door.

Why: Make sure your children know that masturbating or wanting to be sexually aroused is normal and healthy. If you’ve caught them in the act, or found evidence of masturbation, they will likely feel embarrassed now that you “know”. 
 
7. Masturbating to porn is different than masturbating without porn.  

Additional talking points:   

• Your brain reacts differently when you masturbate to porn, than when you masturbate without porn (4). 
• There is a growing body of research on how pornography affects the brain or how people who use a lot of pornography have different brains from those who do not (5). So, while your brain is still developing, it is important to masturbate the old fashioned way.
• Here is a video for you that explains this process:  

Why: As a culture, we often think of porn use as synonymous with masturbation. In fact, I’ve had dozens of college students in shock and awe over the revelation that they could reach orgasm on their own without watching porn. This is a very important life skill to have! It’s also important to be able to masturbate the old fashioned way, as there is some growing evidence that masturbating to porn creates a “high” that is more “neuro-chemically” rewarding than other sexual behaviors, making real sex less enjoyable.

8. When you are an adult, you can decide for yourself how much you would like porn to be a part of your private life.  

Additional talking points:   

• Some adults choose to use porn together, some choose to use it separately, and some choose not to use it at all. Whatever you choose, you should always check in with yourself, a friend, or partner to try and gauge how porn is affecting how you experience sex with a real person. When in doubt, see what happens when you try to have sex and masturbate without porn for 30 days. 
• I know if you really want to see porn, you will find a way. But it’s my job to make sure you grow up into a sexually and romantically competent person, and so far the research shows porn won’t help you do that (1, 6, 7, 8, 9). That is why we are going to/have installed monitoring software and have rules about using the computer in a public space. 

Why: This sends the message that porn is for adults. Even if you would like them to never use porn, this sets them up for thinking about how porn would fit into their life when they’re older and letting them know, if they are using porn, it’s on them. Not you. They’ve been informed. 

9. Porn is going to be everywhere, if it isn’t already. 

Additional talking points:   

• Your friends or other kids you know might be looking at porn online, sharing images, or even posting their own porn, etc. in your presence. You will have to decide for yourself what to do in those situations, but I think it’s best if you not participate or encourage participation. Better yet, you can intervene by telling them “That’s not cool.” Or whatever socially acceptable language you use to confront someone!
• Unfortunately, it’s rare for parents to talk to kids about porn, so your friends may not understand all
  of the aspects they need to consider about the effects of porn use. However, other families do talk about this, but you might be the only one among your friends who has parents who discuss this with you.

Why: This allows you to take some responsibility and sends the message, I’m here, even though it’s weird. I’m here. 

      In general, as you have these conversations, you want to focus more on asking questions and responding calmly without judgment, rather than going through the list as administering a lecture. Perhaps set aside a couple of months and make it a goal to talk about one of these points each week, or break it up into 3-4 sessions and repeat as needed when something comes up that allows you to have a conversation (TV show, friends, movie, advertisement, current event, etc.). 

      If you know your child has already seen a fair amount of porn ask him/her, “Did you see anything that was confusing to you?”, “Did you see anything that scared you?” Remember to always respond warmly and calmly to encourage more discussions (e.g. “Not many people would be willing to discuss this topic. I’m really proud of how honest you are being right now.”). Talking about porn doesn’t have to be painful or weird, just relax and dive in and then dive in again.

     Stay tuned for part 3, where I will show you steps parents should take to change the tech environment in a household. If you don’t want to miss out: Sign up for my mailing list, follow me on Twitter, or like me on Facebook.

(1) Brown J. D., & L'Engle K. L. (2009). X-rated: Sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with US early adolescents' exposure to sexually explicit media. Communication Research, 36, 129-132.

(2) Reist, M. T., & Bray, A. (Eds.). (2011). Big porn inc: Exposing the harms of the global pornography industry. North Melbourne: Spinifex Press.

(3) Bergner, R., & Bridges, A. (2002). The significance of heavy pornography involvement for romantic partners: Research and clinical implications. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy 28, 193-206.

(4) Hilton, D. L. (2013). Pornography addiction-a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 3, 11-16.

(5) Voon, V., Mole, T. B., Banca, P., Porter, L., Morris, L., Mitchell, S. & Irvine, M. (2014). Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours. PLOS ONE, 9(7), e102419.

(6) Braun-Courville D. K., & Rojas M. (2009). Exposure to sexually explicit Web sites and adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors. Journal of Adolescent Health, 45, 156-162.

(7) Davis, K. C., Norris, J., George, H. W., Martell, J., & Heiman, J. R. (2006). Rape-myth congruent beliefs in women resulting from exposure to violent pornography: Effects of alcohol and sexual arousal. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 29, 1208-1223.

(8) Peter, J., & Valkenburg, P.M. (2009). Adolescents' exposure to sexually explicit internet material and sexual satisfaction: A longitudinal study. Human Communication Research, 35, 171-194.

(9) Zurbriggen, E. L., Ramsey, L. R., & Jaworski, B. K. (2011). Self-and partner-objectification in romantic relationships: Associations with media consumption and relationship satisfaction. Sex Roles, 64, 449-462.

Photo Source: Dollar Photo Club

Welcome to part 1 of my 3 part series on assessing and addressing pornography use with kids. It won’t be easy when you do, but you’ll be glad you did. Part 1 is about preparing yourself. It’s important for you to be an approachable parent, if you want your children to really keep you in-the-know about what they are up to in any area of their lives. Preparing to be approachable about porn can be difficult to say the least. You can start here with 5 ways to prepare yourself to talk about porn:

1. Get informed. Do some of your own research first. Porn is not the same as it used to be. I’m sure people have been saying that for decades, but seriously, it's not. There is quite a bit of evidence that porn has changed more in the last 10 years (since the advent of high-speed internet), than it has in the last 100 years (1, 2, 3). And before photography? Forget about it! It was incredibly rare to see erotica as it was mostly for nobility and rarely replicated (4). Once we began photographing and taping nudity and people having sex, it was very rare to see that as well. One had to go to a viewing parlor and later, a sex store...which were only located in large cities. It wasn’t until pornography was distributed via the mail that it became a common part of life for some men. And it wasn't until porn was distributed via the internet, that it became a common part of life for men, women, and kids.

    The internet has changed the way people use pornography in 3 ways. The internet makes pornography available, because nearly everyone has internet access; the use of pornography has become anonymous, because one can access pornography without anyone else knowing about it; and the internet makes pornography affordable, because one no longer has to spend upwards of 60 dollars on a VHS or DVD as the majority of internet pornography is free (5). This “triple-A engine” is thought to explain why internet pornography use is more prevalent than pornography use through other media in the last decades.

    The internet has created easier access to violent and aggressive pornography. Popular porn is no longer the depiction of people having sex on a blanket in the woods, who are roughly the same age, perhaps in their 30s or 40s, full on pubic hair, some belly rolls, floppy breasts. Now, that is called “vintage porn.” Yep. Porn from the 80's and 90’s is vintage! Content analyses (studies where scientists use coders to track frequencies of behaviors displayed in a sample of videos) have revealed that popular pornography has become increasingly more aggressive and violent in the last 20 years (6, 7). The most popular pornography today can be found on the top 5 most frequented porn sites are called “tube sites”. Appropriately named, because they operate just like YouTube. On these sites, everything is all mixed together, threesomes, BDSM, gang bangs, fake rape, bukkae, double penetration, ATM, etc. When pornography was distributed through VHS and DVD, it was difficult to track down anything beyond oral, vaginal, or anal sex. It was even more difficult to find aggressive material and it was very expensive to purchase (8). Now you have to go out of your way to find non-aggressive material. 

     Stats on kid’s exposure to pornography vary immensely and many studies are quite vague as to what the content of exposure actually is. A nationally representative study reports 40% of teens reported exposure to sexually-explicit content (9), whereas other reports indicate up to 70% of adolescents have been unintentionally exposed to sexually-explicit content (10, 11). Yet a non peer-reviewed source, the Internet Filter Review (2010), reports 90% of 8-10 year olds have seen pornography online. 

2. Acknowledge what your relationship to and experience with porn is. It is likely that your introduction to and experience with porn is very different than what your child has or will experience. How old were you? Were you aroused? Did you get “caught”? Did you feel shame for being aroused? I encourage you to get to a comfortable and emotionally neutral place before talking with your child. Regardless of your own perspective on the “rightness” or “wrongness” of porn, if you are intensely emotional, it can create/increase shame. Shame and sex are a toxic combo that too many know all too well. We aren’t shamed into better behaviors. We just become better at keeping those behaviors a secret. It's important for you to get a handle on your own emotions, and put your own experiences in perspective to your kid's before you start talking with him/her about porn.

3. Acknowledge what your relationship to and experience with sex is. Whether you are aware of it or not, your children listen very closely to the messages you send about sexuality (even if those messages are non-verbal). What do you want those messages to be? Do you yourself enjoy sex? At what age did you
begin to enjoy sex? Were you shamed for your sexuality when you were a kid? What would you have wanted your parents to do or say to make you feel comfortable about your sexuality as a kid? Bottom line, be conscious of what you’ve said to your child or what your child has perceived. Talking about sex and
distinguishing sex from porn is crucial for preparing your child for a sexually satisfying future. Parental messages about sex, matter (12). Your emotional reaction to knowledge of their sexual behavior (masturbation or otherwise) could affect the way your child views him/herself as a sexual person. Here is a resource to learn more about talking with kids about sex from me, and another from Advocates for Youth. It's important to be conscious of what you've already said or done that may have created some sexual shame in your children before you talk with them. 

4. Assess the level of a child’s porn use the best you can. Depending on how internet savvy you are, you can see what they’ve been up to online, or you can always hire a professional. You can also just ask, but kids and adults are rarely honest about their porn use. It can be alarming to discover your child has been looking at porn, especially if you know the type or extent of their porn use. Yet, it is important for you to remember that their curiosity is normal and this is not necessarily a sign of ‘problem’. It is a sign that your child has sexual desires and interests and deserves to know how to manage the reality of sexual experiences. It is your responsibility to give the right information and emotional support to your children so they can handle sexual experiences with ease and a sense of self-worth. Here are some general “levels” of porn use:

    Curiosity. The majority of children access pornography on the internet out of curiosity (10, 11). When they are younger, they may want to know what boys and girls look like naked, or what sex looks like. After puberty, they might be more aroused sexually and develop exploration of how their body reacts and gets turned on. 

    Masturbation facilitation. At this level, your child has seen porn more than a few times and is intentionally using it to facilitate masturbation. This usually doesn’t happen in younger children, but I’ve talked with parents who have experienced this level of use with their 8-year old.

    Risky Use. At this level, your child is seeking out porn despite negative consequences. They may be looking at porn on their phone in risky settings like school, at home with a sibling, on a parent’s tablet, on a friend’s home computer, etc. Or they might be watching porn when they are supposed to be doing homework or sleeping. At this level, the secrecy builds and the fear of “getting caught” adds to the thrill of the experience. 

     Problematic Use. At this level, your child is using pornography to regulate emotions or has adapted his/her sexual response cycle to porn (13). Some symptoms of this would be having difficulty reaching orgasm without looking at porn, using porn to fall asleep, feeling worse after using porn, thinking about porn when having sex with a romantic partner, and/or getting irritable without using porn for a period of time. 

5. Practice discussing your concerns and perspectives. After you’ve become informed, analyzed your own perspective, and have a sense of what your child has already seen, you should practice discussing porn. If you think it is difficult to discuss where babies come from, it will be down-right painful discussing porn. So, it’s best to practice first. 

     Talk about what you do know to a partner, friend, or relative. Listen to each other’s perspectives and get some advice from people who know your specific situation. You want to wait until you are comfortable enough that you have a positive and caring tone. When discussing sexuality with your children, tone is often more important than content. Practice having a warm and non-judgmental tone. If you go at him/her guns blazing, you can almost guarantee there will be no future conversations. 

     If you are lucky, your child will ask you about your experiences with pornography and sex and what your perspective is on these topics, so you need to be prepared to answer those questions. 

Stay tuned for part 2, where I will provide you with a whole lot of talking points and pointers, so you can have multiple conversations with your child or a child client if you are a practitioner. After that, part 3 will show you steps parents should take to change the tech environment in a household. If you don’t want to miss out: Sign up for my mailing list, follow me on Twitter, or like me on Facebook.

(1) Cooper, A. (1998). Sexuality and the Internet: Surfing into the new millennium. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 1, 187-193.

(2) Hyde, H. M. (1965). A History of Pornography. London, UK: Heinemann.

(3) Reist, M. T., & Bray, A. (Eds.). (2011). Big porn inc: Exposing the harms of the global pornography industry. North Melbourne: Spinifex Press.

(4) Marcus, S. (1974). The other Victorians: A study of sexuality and pornography in mid-nineteenth-century England. Transaction Publishers.

(5) Cooper, A., Delmonico, D. L., & Burg, R. (2000). Cybersex users, abusers, and compulsives: New findings and implications. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 7, 5-29.

(6) Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C., & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and sexual behavior in best-selling pornography videos: A content analysis update. Violence Against Women, 16, 1065-1085.

(7) Brosius, H., Weaver, J., Staab, J. (1993). Exploring the social and sexual “reality” of contemporary pornography. The Journal of Sex Research, 30, 161-17 

(8) Sunstein, C. R. (1986). Pornography and the First Amendment. Duke Law Journal, 589-627.

(9) Ybarra M.L., Finkelhor D., Mitchell K.J., & Wolak J. (2009). Associations between blocking, monitoring, and filtering software on the home computer and youth-reported unwanted expose to sexual material online. Child Abuse & Neglect, 33, 857-869.

(10) Brown J. D., & L'Engle K. L. (2009). X-rated: Sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with US early adolescents' exposure to sexually explicit media. Communication Research, 36, 129-138.

(11) Delmonico D., & Griffin E. (2008). Cybersex and the e-teen: What marriage and family therapists should know. Journal off Marital and Family Therapy, 34, 431-444.

(12) Darling, C. A., & Hicks, M. W. (1982). Parental influence on adolescent sexuality: Implications for parents as educators. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 11, 231-245.

(13) Young, K. S. (2008). Internet sex addiction risk factors, stages of development, and treatment. American Behavioral Scientist, 52, 21-37.

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