Love hurts: What we learn from Beauty & the Beast, Twilight, and Fifty Shades of Grey

2/12/2015

There is nothing new, unique, or even creative about Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s just the latest installment of pop culture messages that teach girls and young women that truly hot and irresistible love includes some element of violence and danger.

These messages start when you’re little with Beauty and the Beast. As a girl, you learn to be nice and patient with an abusive partner, and as long as you remain so, he will change his behavior and transform into a Prince. It doesn’t matter that he’s throwing things at you, locking you up in a room, not letting you eat without him, not letting you get to your father…he will change…you just need to tame him. But Beauty and the Beast isn’t real….

When you get a little older, these messages continue with the Twilight series. You see Bella fall for a vampire with a basic instinct to kill her. You learn to put up with stalking and harassing as you try to prevent him from killing you. To do so, just leave your friends, family, and identity behind to become just like him (a vampire). Bella and Edward teach you not to get too close, because that would end in death. In fact, when they eventually do have sex, he almost does kill her! Let’s get real. Bella displays 3 classic traits of a victim in an abusive relationship: She has intense low self-esteem; She loves the bad-boy (she only starts to have feelings for nice-guy Jacob when he turns into a werewolf); and she’s thrilled by the violent and dangerous acts of Edward (they aren’t red flags to her at all). Edward displays 4 hallmark traits of an abuser: He warns her away from him, only to increase her desire; He is possessive and tries to isolate her from her family and friends, he even incapacitates her car so she can’t get away; He stalks her constantly and when he can’t, he uses his vampire superpower to stalk her through others’ thoughts; and he has an intense temper but it’s not his fault because he’s a vampire. But Twilight isn’t real….

Now that you’re an adult, the messages are solidified with Fifty Shades of Grey. Emotionally intimate and tantric sex? Nah…who wants that? Let’s just keep getting abused. Some more stalking, some threats, get tied up for a day (literally)…You’re now a sex slave who hasn’t consented to it, but you love it, right? Christian Grey also happens to show classic abuser signs: he warns Anastasia away by telling her he’s not good for her, he stalks her by deliberately tracing her mobile phone to find out where she is, and he attempts to control and isolate her by having her sign a non-disclosure agreement (so that she can’t discuss what goes on in their sexual relationship). Super healthy! Then to top it all off, he actually rapes her: “‘No,’ I protest, kicking him off.” Christian replies, “If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet, too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening, right now.” You learn that it is not really rape if you like it and as E.L. James writes, Anastasia does feel pleasure while she’s being raped. That message isn’t confusing at all when we are trying to combat college campus sexual assault on a national level. But Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t real….

So what? If these stories aren’t real and have no influence on our cultural representation of romance, why are they the same story? Cultivation Theory tells us we construct our ideas of reality through the images and messages around us, whether we are conscious of it or not (1). The popularity of these stories alone displays how much validity girls have given to these characters as representations of true love and it really makes it clear how the problems with sexual and romantic violence in our culture get covered up in ways that we don’t even notice.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a hot, intense, romantic love story as much as anyone….but Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. There are many movies that are truly hotter. More importantly, we rarely get the message that you can have hot and satisfying sex without experiencing pain or humiliation. In fact, both men and women report being more sexually satisfied during sex with someone they love and trust (2).

It is important to note that a common fantasy women report is wanting to be dominated sexually (3). HOWEVER, domination is wanted when it is consensually agreed upon and does not occur outside of the bedroom. This type of domination is sometimes referred to as ‘light bondage’. For example, wanting your partner to tell you what sexual acts to do, wanting a blindfold, or wanting your hands tied. This type of domination fantasy doesn’t come from a desire to be hurt or humiliated, but stems from a desire to let go. If someone you trust is in control, you get to experience sexual pleasure without the pressure of having to ask for what you want. It is rarer that the domination fantasy extends to physical pain or emotional insults, or acts that can be considered BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism). Even so, true practitioners of consensual BDSM do something called preparing and repairing. Meaning, they lovingly spend time together before the sex act, usually connecting emotionally on some level and will discuss the types of play they want to do. After the sex act, they cuddle and connect while talking about what worked and didn’t work. Fifty Shades is not a depiction of consensual domination fantasy or consensual BDSM.

Fifty Shades is less of an erotic love story and more of a stalker’s handbook. Please take some time to think about the girls and women who endure these types of relationships. One in 3 women have experienced relationship violence in America, a rate which has reached epidemic proportions (4). There is no happily ever after for women in these relationships. I would encourage you to get to get involved with V-Day, check out Love Is Respect, and celebrate Teen Dating Violence awareness month to help eradicate violence toward women instead of romanticizing violence toward women.

(1) Potter, W. J. (1993). Cultivation theory and research. Human Communication Research, 19(4), 564-601.

(2) Herbenick, D. (2014). Sex, love, intimacy, and orgasm: Integrating sex ed and new findings from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Oral presentation at the National Sex Ed Conference. East Rutherford, NJ.

(3) Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2014). What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy?. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Advanced online publication.

(4) Alhabib, S., Nur, U., & Jones, R. (2010). Domestic violence against women: Systematic review of prevalence studies. Journal of Family Violence, 25(4), 369-382.

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19 Comments

About this Blog:

I'm here to help us discuss sexuality, gender, and media by integrating information from academic and mainstream sources. I hope this resource produces more sexually competent people who raise sexually competent kids.

Kim Eller

2/12/2015 04:41:57 am

You are so on the money with this. I tried to read the books for 50 shades of Grey and couldn't get through the first one. I got to the contract and just closed the book. It just felt so wrong to me. Young women need to experience a true loving relationship based on ture emotional love and respect. Not this weird control and violence being portrayed as love. Nothing is ok about this. Thank you for writing about this subject. Keep up the good work.

Megan Maas

2/20/2015 09:42:07 am

Thanks so much, Kim! I couldn't agree more.

Angela King

2/12/2015 05:32:42 am

I also tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey after hearing about it on TV and how Women every loved it. Well I too could not get into it. First of all I just did not find Christian Grey that interesting. He reminded me of those weird creepy guys you really don't want to get that close to. These kind of men don;t change in real life. They are as selffish they day you leave them as the day you meet them. I beleive that women who think that they can change a bad boy with thier good heart has Daddy issues. In all probablility they have a subconsious desire to fix the realtionship they had ( or didn't have) with their father. As women we need to educate the younger women we know. that this is just a story and is not real.It is told to make money. .

2/20/2015 09:44:37 am

I agree that Christian is not very interesting at all. She could've made him a much more layered person. I agree that the played out theme of changing a guy is not good.

Amy Swanson

2/12/2015 06:32:48 am

I have read all of the Twilight books and the "Shades" trilogy. I think as a modern woman, I know the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive stalker. These stories objectify women and make it seem okay that love comes in the form of obsession. I am not comfortable with a man being with me every second of every day or being in control of me and as I read these fictional stories, I could only think of the naive women and teenage girls out there who would potentially seek out abusive relationships and call it love. There are a breed of men who will study these books and learn how to act to prey on women who will be more than willing to submit to perverse and submissive behavior and think they are being "loved". Society needs modern authors (male and female) that will empower women and print erotica to stimulate minds and bodies.

2/20/2015 09:47:05 am

I agree Amy! Older women (hopefully) can see the abuse and deceit in these books, but teens and young women may not and they need better authors to give them entertaining romantic stories without messed up main characters.

Per A.J. Andersson

12/5/2023 05:55:19 pm

But is literature really meant to be a moral guideline? We do get influenced by things we consume, but how and to what degree is personal and situational. I'm just so interested in finding how stereotypical entertainment gets a bad rap for being just that. Linda Williams formulated fascinating things around the body genres, in her "Hard Core" back when, and I still thinks it stands in this day and age. Why were these books so popular? Despite the fact that they didn't represent human relationships realistically. Despite the fact that consent isn't shown or described. Here you are on the same board as the BDSM community—at least the part of the community that thought their culture was misrepresented. But do we really need to stop entertainment being entertainment? I think this is the same question as the porn one, with teens not getting their needed comprehensive sex-ed, and instead being more influenced by the sexual entertainment that is out there. I think we know what's the solution to this one.

Carol Bernat

2/12/2015 06:38:24 am

I agree with above comments. As a teacher of 7th graders, girls of this age are so vulnerable about all things, and Fifty Shades- give, them a false idea of what love is or is supposed to be. They believe everything they hear and see!

Wendy

2/12/2015 11:54:41 am

Your blog is so important! Your comments about these stories are so True...! Thank you for the thoughtful writing and serious help with getting issues straight for parenting : )

2/20/2015 09:47:58 am

Thank you Wendy!

Janis Whitlock

2/12/2015 12:37:09 pm

I agree with this frame but also see another. Many women resonate with the storyline because it both reflects a deep buried nugget of truth about women and pleasure -- sexual pleasure happens for women in and outside of intimate and loving connection; sometimes really hot, edgy sex feels great. In fact, the BDSM aspect to the sexual story can be really hot for many women since being out of control of pleasure and pain can feel freeing for many women -- particularly those who exercise a lot of control and restraint in daily life.

The other thing I find striking about this series (and Twilight) is that it clearly portrays a powerful female sexual and romantic narrative aphrodisiac: woman commands powerful, highly desirable, coveted BUT deeply wounded/hurt man's "gaze." Not only is her commend of his gaze so absolute that he eschews and barely notices other very desirable and available women, but her very authentic and feminine nature leeches out his deep buried pain and vulnerability despite his otherwise incontrovertible control and transforms and heals him. OMG - what a tonic for the female ego (yes, we have them too). Over the course of the three books the sex scenes become totally secondary to the narrative of deep, all consuming love and transformation and healing of the male by the female.

So, while I fully acknowledge all of the shortcomings of this book, I cannot help but see that it speaks powerfully to the widespread and profound longing many women possess, with relative degrees of consciousness, for total command of a man's heart - a prize we all sense to be very valuable and hard to come by. This is narrative is about women's needs and longings as much as it is men's domination fantasies of women. Maybe it is my age, but I know this one and recognize its potency in most of the women I know. There is something valuable in this for many of us women; and not something I can so easily write off. I do, however, really appreciate the opportunity to understand how others view this.

Megan Maas link

3/5/2015 11:30:06 am

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Janis! I agree that a lot of women want to be "taken" and "overcome" as a way to be erotic....but I wonder more of why that is....is it because we aren't allowed to express our own sexual desires and take control of them? Or do we really not want to be in charge? The ego thing is real. Being the attractor is a huge prize for a female and being able to capture someone so fully is surely alluring. I just wish there were more stories that had characters that were interesting and mysterious without having to be abusive.

3/5/2015 01:26:39 pm

Hi Megan,

Thanks for responding. I really did not mean to say that women want to be sexually taken or overcome as much as I think the overall 50 shades narrative appeals to a strong female desire to be powerful (e.g. exclusive subject of coveted male gaze) and to transform or heal (a man in this case but need not be just men). Sex is a major vehicle for the command and transform/heal story in this particular narrative (with high dopamine / octane value that seems to work for both genders pretty well if open to being aroused), but the non-sex narrative is the one I am interested in primarily. I think this may account for the widespread popularity among women.

kim

2/13/2015 06:15:24 am

you are spot on - the book 'romanticizes' sexual violence and glosses over the sexual abuse that manifests in this kind of sexual and psycho-social dysfunction. i don't know what's "hot" about characters who are emotionally/mentally unwell acting out in their dysfunction. the side-show effect???

2/13/2015 06:38:45 am

I do not know either, honestly, since BDSM is not my thing and I have been fortunate enough to not have been hurt like this. I do know, however, a striking number of women who find that playing out some of the power issues they have experienced through BDSM has some cathartic or even healing property. This is common enough that a colleague of mine is doing a dissertation in clinical psychology on how BDSM play is being used by some sexual abuse survivors as a healing tool. Go figure. And, I also know that while my own sexual tastes are VERY vanilla by contemporary standards, that when I am in states of high sexual arousal what is "hot" gets kinda interesting. I am fascinated by this as a scientist and am certain that I am totally normal. My personal and scientific curiosity about this has sent me into many conversations and to many blog posts etc.. and I have decided that human sexuality is extraordinarily colored and potent (no pun intended). I know two very educated and conscious women who actively choose to participate in the BDSM community (one paid!). So, rather than assume I understand it and that it only represents the patriarchy in just one more form, I am now interested in getting as curious and open to understanding as possible.

Lastly, what interests me most about 50 shades (cause the writing itself was not very interesting for sure!), is the power of the healing / transformation narrative. I can find this story in myself; I did not even know it was there. But, when a beloved partner disclosed a long standing porn / sex addiction I went through both huge rage and fury at objectification of women etc.. After a few months, though, I moved into an awareness of how I had my own active fantasy about how I was supposed to be enough for his gaze and how our love should have been enough to heal his wounds. It was fascinating and sobering. So, I get that - I think few of us women are asked to look at that one very deeply. Nor do we see how it sets up our dance with partners. I assume we will all get around to it once we are open to seeing the way that all of the parts fit together. The victim/villain thing just doesn't work for me as well these days as a solid frame for viewing events or stories; I think they are much more nuanced. But, I am not arguing that the messages to all of us are feeding some pretty deleterious stories. I just think they work b/c they speak to some collective tension / exchange in this area. Once they do not, we'll stop reading the books and seeing the movies and authors and movie makers will move on to other themes.

3/5/2015 11:36:27 am

I would love to learn more about the cathartic effects of acting out during BDSM. I can imagine how that would work well for some people. Don't get me wrong, as a teen and young adult, I loved this stuff. I really resonated with it...the damaged soul and me being enough for him too. I'm not immune, either...but as I've gotten older, I've wondered more if my attraction to this theme was because it was so ubiquitous in all of the books, tv and film I was consuming, or because I truly find it erotic and engaging? I do hope that 50 Shades sheds light on the fact that women are sexual and want to read and learn about sexuality and sexual relationships in a medium that is smart and does not exploit other women....hopefully, it will create more options.

3/5/2015 01:34:03 pm

Yeah, I am not sure but am curious too. Age does seem to make motivations from earlier times in life look rather different than they seemed while there, but I am mindful that all "backward down the trail" views reveals new angles and perspectives - regardless of what we are looking at. If the way to the summit lies through BDSM as some sort of way to reclaim power or to find and internalize whatever elements were identified with in the abuser, then I hope that we have supportive people for guiding the process. Not my thing, but I am ever fascinating by the incredible diversity of pretty much every kind of way of being that nature generates. :)

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